2 days away from a 2009 and I am more confused and sad and frustrated than I have ever been.  
I wish these dreams would stop, all they seem to do is make me wonder and wish that there were some type of hope that isn't there.  
Christmas has been ok, we have spent time with family and thats been berable, I still am trying to make some decisions about schooling. I am leaning toward some form of therapy wether it be occupational or someting like that. I would be good at it and there are always jobs available in those fields.  Yes it's a lot of schooling but I can do it and do it well.  It's not my first choice, it's not what I want, what I want is to be what I am good at and what I'm built to be but, as I have taught my life over is that it doesn't work that way.  While we are promised forgiveness from Christ we are not promised slavation from the aftermath the consequences.  I am living with that.  It just sucks that others have to too.

Christmas Stuff

Dec. 24
Almost six months ago I was fired from the one job that I have ever been good at, and the best church I had ever worked for. It’s a pretty safe assumption that I wont be working for any other churches. I would do anything to go back but still that is beside the point. God would truly have to move on hearts and minds to allow that to happen. Still I was in the middle of a pretty cool study and series or I was going to be on stuff I learned from Daniel. Then I had a thought. What If I went on ahead and continued that series. What if I started from scratch, what if I went on ahead and wrote the sermons anyway, then posted them somewhere for anyone that would like to read and see what happens.

For almost 15 years give or take a year or two I have studied, written, planned and implemented some type of service and message, sometimes more than one. It’s been very hard to stop doing that. It’s been very hard to not impact students lives, and families lives. It would be different if I didn’t Love the kids from Collision or from any group for that matter but the fact is that I do.

I remember saying in the last meeting that I was begging for myself yes but also for my family and my kids, it strikes me now all these months later that I may have been misunderstood again. I didn’t mean my own kids. I love them and want them to be happy and have the best, I meant my kids. The kids of Collision. I miss every one of them and their families. I know that some of you are reading my blog. I’m glad you are. I wish that you would let me know even if it’s as an anonomous poster. Still I am going to attempt to at least once a week put up a teaching just like I would have been doing each Tuesday night. I don’t think I will ever use that gift again but I don’t want to lose it, I learned just as much as everyone else, probably more so.

Start looking for them they will probably be under a link or something. Who knows one day I may even start recording them and sticking the audio up. That will take feedback though.



Dec. 25
Well this is the day that I have been dreading for the past month. It’s Christmas day and all I want to do is cry. Amberly was given some money from Grammy and Pap Pap and immediately came over and handed it to me. She said she wanted me to have it. I have to stay strong, I need to not cry but it’s so hard to do. I am so undone. I wonder sometimes about Onesimus. The problem is I don’t have a Paul to write to the people at Harvest and tell them to take me back.
I’m not sure how the day is going to be. I just sit here and I think about Christmas and what it is and what it is supposed to be. I remember a simpler time when J and I first got married, I remember a more complex time when getting gifts was the best thing in the world because I could get her what I wanted within reason. I remember the joy of watching her open things and just being so proud. (there’s that word again) proud of the fact that I was able to give those things to her. Same goes for my kids. A house that is ours that sits in a town that is going to be dead in a year or so.




December 27, 2008
I know I already did vidblog for today but just had to pop up a little bit of a gloat. I have been able to win just about every game that we have played since coming here. This is made all the more sweet because of who I have beaten ever time we have played. Childish yes, but sweet all the same.

Spent the past 2 days making all sorts of Christmas gifts, Pretzels, Truffels, Biscotti, Re-doing J's Calender and much more.  We are going to head to J's parents tomorrow, we get to see the girls which will be great.  Then it's on to my parents for a while. 
I still need a job so if you are one of those people who talks to God do me a favor and pray that something opens up.  We really need something to happen on that front. 
Enjoy your Christmas, I'm going to try and enjoy ours though I must admit it's not something I am looking forward too.
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Thoughts

Here we have the second installment of the whole video thing. I know in the video it says I'm going to play with the background and stuff but I think I need to babystep that one. Well I know I do. Still here are some thoughts from Last night. I have more but I believe they will come in the form of writing. Perhaps deeper than need be.



Let me know...

the chill in the air

So I dont want to just do the whole video blog thing, sometimes typing is better, well not better but writing is a process and I like going through the process the old fashioned way, well not really old fashioned but the typing way.

Thanks to Emily I found out that those of you reading up in WI are getting hammered by snow. It will come as no surprise to you that we are not. In fact it's 42 here right now tomorrow is going to be 48 and our first chance at snow is Saturday with a high of 38 the low will hit 28. Still it's been very different here. I wish I could say I missed the cold and snow but as any of you that heard me on countless occasions know, that is not the case. Well sort of. I like snow when it comes to my kids getting to play in it and I do like looking out the window with a mug of something hot and seeing it, I'm not big into cold though. Which is why I am saying a chill is in the air. I am COLD. Really glad it's not as cold here as I know it is there I would be an Aaroncicle and thats not someting I want to be.

Hope you all are keeping warm, and to those in the area we have it made compared to WI trust me I know, and for those in FL, well you just make me sick. lol

Here goes the first try see how you like it... if you like it...

video blogging test

I thought I may try something new.  I may see if it is possible do do a little bit of video blogging on here.  It would be kinda cool not sure I will do it all the time but once in a while may be cool.  That way there can be a line of thought rant that is just what i'm thinking without having to type it out.  The only problem is I like the process of writing it helps in gathering thoughts.  Anyway I'm looking into it see what you think and let me know.

the round headed kid and other christmas myths

Tonight I put lights on the tree as J and the gilrs spent time at the library,  this is a good thing because if anyone has read my blog lately you know what happens when extreme ammounts of frustration ensue,  If you're wondering check out Thanksgiving Days post as well as the comment left if you are the person who left it well at least you know who you are"  Anyway I'm putting the lights on and the kids are not here which is a good thing because I usually tend to lose my temper and get hurt at least once or twice dont ask it usually involves my foot stepping down on the wrong end of a piece of the tree.  Anyway as I was going through this a couple of interesting things came to mind. 

1.  I did not lose it, in fact it was a nice quiet night and I put the tree together and put the lights on and no bad thoughts at all, I also put some christmas music on which I have not wanted to do all month.  So thats a good thing as well.

2.  So listening to Harry I heard him singing a song called I come with Love.  If you haven't heard it I suggest you do.  A person who does not profess faith singing a song that so adequatly portrays what Christmas is all about really helped me gain a bit more perspective about the season.  Not saying I'm into it but this was a nice thing to hear.  Means that I still have a spot that can be softened toward the 25.  Still it also got me to thinking.

3.  Charlie Brown was a chump.  I know we all love that special, it is in fact the way I learned the Christmas Story word for word but still think about it.  It's another spot in life where mediocrity is ok.  Where doing less than the best job that can be done is rewarded because we're all ok right.  He messed it up.  He got a cruddy tree and in the end it was all ok because everyone realized that it was the thought that counted.   He thought it could be made better and linus says at the end "it's not a bad little tree"  except it was a bad little tree.  Just becuase they all sing hark the herald angels sing does not change the fact that the tree was crappy.  I know I know when they loved it and decorated it, it was fabulous but be realistic.  If there is not someting there it's not going to be put there with a song and a little "love." 

Whats this mean well to me it means all of us especially me have bought into this idea that were good enough, were smart enought and doggonnit people like us.  Well it's not so it's not the way it is.  The wisemen brought gifts of gold, francinsense, and myrrh.  These were thought out precious gifts.  Not emotional feel good gifts. 

any thoughts

oh yea

and

Bah HUMBUG

88 miles an hour

What would you do with 88 miles an hour.  I have been pondering this.  Would I relive events, would I change things, would I ignore it.  Some may say "come on Aaron it's obvious what you would do." To some extent this is true.  I would change things, but not necessarily in the way that would make my life easier right now.  Instead of going back way way back and changing things I would go back and change one aspect of my life.  One thing would be different, I would admit that I needed help.  I would partner with people instead of being an Island and not just in Ministry, I'm good at partnering with people there but in life.  I would ask for help, I would offer help, I would admit need more.  I would not try and be some big totally together person.  Thats the thing.  I wouldn't relive highschool, or college, I wouldn't do any changing like that I would just be willing to ask.  So here's your chance, what would yo do with 88 miles an hour. 

bad dreams

Last night was bad, well not last night this morning.
I used to like dreams, I think everyone does, and if any of you know me I love being creeped out so scary dreams are fun as well.  But the bad dreams I have now are different.  They are bad because they start out with me being happy and getting things together for Collision.  I dream the message writing I dream all of it I dream setting up stuff for the meetings, I dream adult leader meetings, I dream it all.  The reason it's a bad dream is because then I wake up and I realize where I am and what I dont have and why and well it just is bad and it makes the day bad.  I get moody and morose and well it's just not good.
It would be different if I didn't care about the people and all that but the bottom line is I do.  It makes it harder because of all of that.  Imagine dreaming of the best thing in the world, what you have always wanted and desired and then imagine it brining you down to a place of depression.  Thats the thing that stinks.  The depression associated with the whole thing.  I was good at something, really good at it, no matter what anyone says I hold onto that but being good at it makes it even harder.  If I had been bad at it, if I just sat in a desk chair and gave the minimum effort it would be different.

Ah well nothing I can do about it.  I know this and so I have to live with the good days and the bad ones.  I have to think about what the people up there think and believe about me.  I have this delusion that will never happen and even if it did would they want me around.  I fear I know the answer.  Well I do know the answer, which makes it even worse.  I hate the idea that people ah well why dwell on it.  Anyway thats all for today.  I think I'll go back to my thoughts and see if I can get working on another chapter in the book.

smarter than yours

Kids are an amazing thing.  The capacity to learn is pretty interesting to watch develop.  Amberly has moved into the realm of the first grader and Zoey is of course in her Stripe faze.  Don't know who Stripe is rent Gremlins and you'll find out.  I even call her stripe,  anyway back to my super smart awesome daughters.   I heard Amberly reading today.  She is sounding out words and is able to figure out what things say and how they are said.  

Zoey is a sponge as well.  Picking up on all sorts of words and phrases and putting together sentences.  In a nod to yesterdays post I'm proud of them both.  They are both amazing, oh yes and Amberly is awesome at math, lucky her I will never be able to help her with that homework when it gets past plus and minus but thats ok.  

Anyway just had to brag on my kids a bit they are awesome. 

Bah Humbug

It will come as no suprise that I am not at all looking forward to Christmas this year.  I was not looking forward to Thanksgiving either, but that's just the way it is.  Probably the way it will be for quite a while. 
I just can't get into Christmas everything in every aspect of the holiday reminds me of all that was lost. 
Pride is an intersting thing.  It's okay to be proud of your child when they do great in sports, or in school or what have you.  It's great to be proud at a great sense of accomplishment, like when I make bread that turns out.   Those are good things to be proud of.  Then there is the pride that comes from being human and thinking that you are the end all be all. There is the pride that comes from saying you have to take care of all the issues and problems that come your way all alone.  That you have to be able to do it all and if one of the plates fall or if the dominos get knocked over before completion it's all your fault.  This has been my issue for a long time.  I have this inate need to be able to do it all and take care of it all and be it all.  I know what this means.  I know the person who's place I'm attempting to take when this happens.  I get it, all of it, I have taught it and implemented it and told others about it.  I think thats the worst part about it.  I have taught and said all the things that people have said to me.  I have sat in an office with a person and told them that "all things work for the good"  I have said that God has a reason and a purpose even if it doesn't make sense to you.  I have said that God can still use you he is the God of continual chances.  If you would like to debat me on that one it's fine but he has to give us more than two,  look at his chosen people in Exodus and Leviticus, and and and.   He is the God of chances not just the second chance. 
I know all of this, and at one point I belived it.  I guess there is a part of me that still does believe it to some extent, however there is also a huge part of me that says all that is great and sounds good and makes sense when things are going well for me.  See it's easy to say things like that when life is where you think it should be.  It's easy to pop off Bible verses, and religious sayings when you are doing well but do we think of the person we are saying them too.  I used to think I did, but now I'm not so sure.  Now sitting on the recieving end of well meaning people who I am sure care about me and my family I just want to say talk about anyting but God. Talk about anytihng but his will for my life or any of that.  Here goes the big one thats going to draw some fire but hey.  I dont care about the reason for the season.  Don't get me wrong I am eternally greatful for the fact that Jesus came down and became one of us and died for me, but I have to tell you that remembering He is the greatest gift of all does nothing for me when I walk into walmart and see things that I would like to give my girls and can't.  When I walk into a store and think wow woudln't it be great to get that for J for Christmas.   See I know Jesus is what Christmas is all about.  But it's more than that.  For me it is. 
So Bah Humbug, I dont even want to listen to Christmas music.

someting in the water

Friend of mine talked about the super powers his daughter has.  I must agree with him, it's quite amazing how a 2 year old person is able to completley and utterly not just take up your day but run it into the ground.  I love both of my children but wow.  Something happens that they just go OFF.  I almost wanted to change Z's name to damien and see if her head was spinning around. 
Still managed to get the house clean and ready for us to leave.  We are headed to the inlaws for the family Christmas dinner.  I would love to say that I'm looking forward to it, but I'm not.  I already told J that if there are comments this time I will not just sit and ignore it.  Hope there are none. 
Lets see oh yea got the resume all squared away to send to mr wofford so if your the praying sort and think about it say a few for me when it get sent. 
Finally sound and music is integral in my life.  Big song lately has been by kings x called pray for me.  Don't get excited but check it out if you want to.  It's on their website I belive.  Dug penned the lyrics and I can see and relate to where he is coming from in some aspects.

six degrees

As some of you may know I am a graduate of Southestern College, now Southeastern University.  When I got there I of course met lots of people, one of wich was a girl named Faith,  she is a recent addition to the readership so I thought I would giver her a hey, anyway Faith has a cousin who lives and works in DC and is friends with a rather influential political figure.  She told her cousin that I was in need of work and he in turn talked to this individual, at least thats how I understand it.  Anyway long story short the senator or ex senator wants my resume' there may be someting for me to do that helps advocate for youth or familes or something. 
Amazing.  The thing is Faith and I had lost touch and then found each other again with Myspace a little over a year ago. 
The whole six degrees of seperation thing is intersting.  Some would say that its just coincidence, and then there are people who stick God into every aspect of life that would say it's God that put us back in touch becuase he knew in His omniscience what was going to happen and that I was going to screw things up and be where we are now, and it's all part of His master plan for Aaron.  Don't get me wrong I think that God is more than capable of doing that, I just don't think He did. 
I tend to belive that God puts choices into our lives and how we choose effects the place that we are.  I also think that he allows difficult times to test if we are really relying on Him or if we are trying to be Him.  I have said that I was trying to be the man,  what that means is simple.  I was trying to do God's job.  If He really is who I have taught and who I have said I believe He is, then my reliance on Him would have allowed me to make better choices and not try and deal with mounting issues in my own strength.  It comes back to did I really or do I really believe what the Bible says,  In the darkness at night when I lay awake and stare at the celing and talk to God do I believe that he hears me? I wish I could say that I know for sure that answer, but the Christian life is not as easy as that, at least not for me.  I struggle with things and I believe that thats a good thing.  I think the moment we stop struggling with issues of faith is the moment that we forget who we are and who God is.  We cease to be the people that God desires to have relationship with and we become Zombies for Jesus, not knowing what we believe and not willing to look at our faith and question if we are living what we read and what we say we believe. 
So did God set up my getting back in touch with Faith a year ago because He knew that I was going to mess up and end up in DC.  Was it his plan to place me here and then allow me to get in touch with people on a national level to make some impact.  I submit that that was not His plan.  I believe His plan was very different, and because of the choices that I made it had to be altered. 
That's the thing, the flaw that I see in God's personality.  He still wants to use people who are going to mess up,  He still wants us to exercise our free will and still wants us to question and struggle.  He wants us to succeed but I also think He wants us to fail, because in our failings it brings us back to the place that we recognize our utter dependence on Him, or at least we should.  It's in our times of failure that we make the ultimate choice.  Do we throw in the towel and forget about God and begin to live a life that does not live and move and have it's being in Him or do we get back to the place where we can really be used and a valuable asset to His plan not for us as individuals but for the world as a whole. 
We are to be more like Christ thats what we are supposed to be stretching toward, Jesus gave that was what he did, he gave and gave and gave and gave.  We will never be able to do that not in the same way but when we screw up and when we fall we can choose to get up or we can choose to turn away and live for ourself. 
I think that God let me get back in touch with Faith because he realized that humans need relationship and need to be reminded of things that keep them in right relationship. I think that the possible benifit is not because God planned on me not being at Harvest but because God looks down and says "well Aaron made another mistake, he has repented and is working through it and I am not done with him in the grand scheme of things so lets see how he does with this.  Lets see if he finally realizes that I am the one that can be there to meet all his needs according to my power and riches and glory. "  Its not that God wanted me in the DC area, it's that God wants me to be a part of the plan of salvation.  He wants me to be a part of making a differnce in the world and since I messed up where He put me He is giving me another chance in a new place to see if I finally get it...
I pray I do.

the amazing thing is

I posted a short comment on Thanksgiving day.  In it I used a word that is offensive to many people, at times including myself.  I want to set the record strait on a few things.

1.  I was not fired from all those churches.  I was fired from 2 churches, one of which stated that I was being freed to look for a ministry more suited to me, but yes I was let go from 2 churches.
2.  Holding grudges,  I try not to, I believe though that weather we want to admit it or not.  This is something I am working on. If you know I personally hold grudges then I am sorry that you think I'm holding a grudge against you.  We should talk about it and see why you think that way so that I can make it right.  According to the Bible if I know someone has something against me then I need to go to that person and fix it.  I'm willing but I need to know why you think that way, so that we can begin the process of making things right.
3.  God is big enough to deal with one person being angry with Him, however I have been very clear with the few people that I have had actual conversations with, when asked if I'm angry with God, I'm not.  I have fully acknowledged my part in all of this.  I do not lay this issue at God's feet.  I'm not mad at God at all.  I am mad at myself and would never presume to put myself on the same level as God at all.
4.  Getting back out there and getting a youth pastors job.  I have a family that I have to consider.  I have spent my life working for others and myself.  Thinking that the only way to minister was through youth ministry in a church.  I am really not sure any more about anything when it comes to calling, for me.  I'm sure if I were to apply all the stuff that I have learned and know I would be able to come up with a correct religious answer, the problem with proper religious answers is that they are religious and not necessarily from God or from a place of truth.
5.  I am not a person who normally goes around swearing or using offensive language, however there are times in life that you get so mad that you say things that you wouldn't normally say.  I did type a 4 letter expletive and I posted it.  I'm sorry and yes I mean sorry not being sarcastic, if it has offended anyone.  It was where I was at, and the name of my Blog is Aaron's Rants.  It's here for me to write what I'm feeling and what I'm thinking.  I may go back and semi edit the post, I haven't decided that yet.
6.  Being a 35 year old man who blogs his thoughts and feelings for the world to see, is something that I am doing on purpose.  It allows this type of thing to happen.  I am coming at this whole thing from where I am, I am writing what I am feeling and thinking and wanting and not wanting.  I am being who I am right now and I am not filtering it.  I have always tried to be a voice of realism wherever I have worked.  This will continue.  If someone in a church that would be considering me, which I don't see happening, would not want to hire me because of reading this and getting a very real picture of my past and of what I have gone through, if they want everything clean and nice and steril, then they don't want me and I don't want them.  I post this blog for myself and others to read so that I can move on and so that they can see the progress I am making.  I have done well  and made great strides, but that doesn't mean that I'm still not very sad and depressed about it.  So good I'm glad I'm being read, I'm glad that people are commenting.  Thanks for the thoughts.  I wish others would also post, who knows perhaps they will. But just remember part of this is the chance for dialog and you will get some dialog back.
Back to the grudge thing for a moment.  I guess that is the one that sits in my stomach and bothers me.  My parents were here for Thanksgiving, on Friday when my dad and I were getting gas for his car so that they could go back on Saturday, he asked what I wanted and what was going on.  I told him.  It's very simple.
I would do anything, anything at all to get a call from Harvest saying that they would like us to come back.  I would jump at it.  I would do anything they asked me to, and yes I would be the best youth pastor they have ever seen or had.  It's that simple.  I don't hold a grudge against them, I hold a grudge against me because I bought into this lie that I had to be this big man and take care of everything, and I didn't need any help from anyone.  I bought into the lie that needing help meant I was weak,  needing help means I'm human.  Too bad it took losing my dream to find that out.
Hit me back with some responses I crave the interaction.

Not Ok

I am not ok,  I am not over it, I have cried off and on this whole week most recently today.  Thanks Giving, **** that I hate this.
Hope that helps.

thanks giving and such

My parents came in for Thanks Giving.  It's nice to have them here.  It's not what I would have chosen though.
I would be somewhere else right now if I had a choice, I would do anything to go back in time.

Branching Out

Being a stay at home dad is not the easiest thing for a work a holic that has been depressed for a while, but is getting over the depression.  I am getting over it.  I am still very sad that I'm not where I was or what I was born to do and can't any more, or won't do whichever they are both the same.  Anyway this isn't a past living thing as you can see it's called branching out, so if you are reading this blog, I have no clue who is, then you know what is happening.  2 things actually.

1.  Branching out today in a new way.  I have been making all kinds of culinary things.  Some with great success and others with not so much success.  I am pleased to report though that most of the stuff is coming out pretty good.  Last week I made challah for the first time.  If you don't know what Challah is it's a Jewish Bread.  It's really good and I made 2 loaves last week.  Took them into J's school and gave some to some Jewish people who all said I got it right except for them being a bit brown.  I'll chalk the brownness up to the butter that I used to grease the pans and the egg that I brushed on them, plus our oven here seems to bake hot.  The important thing was of the 3 or so Jewish people that tried it they all liked it.  Today I made Calzones for Dinner.  It's cool making dough and then waiting for it to rise and then smelling how great the house smells when it comes out.  We haven't had them yet but they will be good I tasted the filling so i'm pretty confident.  Anyway, with all the success that I have had with bread lately, (I have made more than Challah)  I decided to go sans recipe and try and make someting differnt.  I thought wouldn't it be great to make some Italian Nacho's.  I ignored all recipes and just branched out on my own.  Put in the yeast mixed the dough with the dough hook and all that good stuff.  It sits on the back of the stove rising, (hopefully)  I think it's going to do fine If it does i'll punch it down add a bit more olive oil, let it rise and then roll em out and bake em.  I'll make sure to post a picture of them also going to post a pic of the calzones when J gets back with the camera from school.  Look for that tomorrow.

Branching out 2.  In the next few days look for an additional Blog, I know most of you that are reading, (not that i'm sure who is reading but a few of you, wish you would at least let me know if your reading even if you dont comment just a hi or read it would be great.  I'm going to post a blog specifically for my Book.  I have been working on it and would love to have some comments on some of the stuff I have written.  If you would read it or buy it or whatever.

That's it.  I am thinking of putting together a web site for the Newell's or more specifically for me to post dadisms and stuff like that.  Let me know if  you think this is a good idea as well.


Later

what now

Been a few weeks since I wrote.  I am working at just forgetting things and moving on.  I find it disconcerting that there are people that I love but don't really know what to say.  It's funny but I really have gotten to the point where I dont care about what other people from the cold north have to say.  It's just to long in coming.  When everything is finally done I think I just want to be left alone, I don't need the closure that I thought I had to have because I have realized that the closure happens when I choose to let it happen.  I just don't care what they have to say.  It isn't important enough.  What good is it going to do to read what they have to say 4 or 5 months later.
I mean dont get me wrong.   If they decide to answer back I may read what they say but at the same time I may just delete the emails without a thought.  better to move on and be with my family than trying to live in the past.
I'm sad that I'm not a youth pastor any more.  I'm good at it, but I'm good at other things, I can be anyway.
So this is it, living in the past is just bringing me down.  Thinking about what I would be doing right now, what event would be happening, what message I would be working on and what the next step would be just makes me surley.  I have to stop being surley.
Besides my liberal leanings are getting more and more pronounced and fleshed out in my mind and heart.  I want to keep it that way and I like the thought of actually being instead of teaching.  Besides Jesus was a Socialist.  I am more and more convinced of this.  Not the bad kind but he had a lot of socialist leanings.

Long time in coming

I know it's been a while since I posted I would love to say it's because all my my angst and anger has dissipated.  I guess it has a little bit but not all the way.  It will be cool to have it be all the way.  Let's see what else.  Oh yea being poor is interesting.  I mean we are not destitute but everything takes a lot more thought.  I find myself realizing how blessed we are to have what we have and how great it is that we have a place to live and food to eat.  I am taking care of my kids which is great I love that but I also want to work.  I am really hoping that working at Easted happens, as I have researched it I find that it seems to be a great fit for what I can do.  I like what they stand for as well.
Amberly is in school first grade and she's doing a great job.  I'm proud of her.

I am not looking forward to Friday but I am hoping that this will be the last time I have to go up that way for a long time.  I am working hard and praying that God lets this be it.

Hope all is well for those of you that are watching the rants.

Oh yea, church is great I really enjoy it and am looking forward to getting into a group.

job hunts and stuff

Amberly is as smart as we thought.  We asked that she be tested and after a test on Monday it was determined that she is first grade material, something that we always knew.  Now we just need to get her stuff and find out the procedure.  She will be at a private school at least for this year.  The cool thing is once she is there for a year she can go to a public school and will be in second grade.  I'm glad.

Still looking for a job, melwood found someone with the right certification and decided to hire the person already available for that instead of the guy that had to get them.  Still I have a few other options that I am waiting to hear from, two of which are working for the same non profit J works for.  It would be good, because it's so close the other one is a youth advocacy thing.  Whichever would be great.  I just need to start doing something.  Not looking forward to the drive for the seventh.  Who knows.  I'm disgusted with people in WI.  So if you are reading this which I kind of doubt I have decided that your opinions mean nothing to me.  Your lack of communication is unforgivable almost. 

Lets see what else.  It's been hot well really warm but thats cool and the house is almost together all the way just have to hang some pictures and get the bedrooms sorted.

depression

I recognize what is happening and I can't seem to do anything about it. I know that I'm suffering from depression. Have been for months now. I am not sure what it is. Sometimes I feel Bi Polar but instead of manic fazes I have happy fazes, and then I dip down in to depression fazes. It's Sunday morning and I feel like I could cry. I got awake at 5:30 or so thinking that I had to get things together for Collision. No reason to do that ever again. It hits me a lot that I will never be a youth pastor again. I am praying that God will enable me to make my peace with it. I feel like some hyper faith name it and claim it guy on occasion just because I tell myself and everyone else that I am ok with it but I'm not not deep down deep down i'm angry and I hate and I scream at me for being such and ass hole.

Closing the Door

Well it's time, time to close the door on Harvest forever. I knew it and have been trying but the time has come to succeed. To that end I have been doing a lot of editing of social networking sights and of email address books and such. If you are from Harvest, and you read my blog please do not be offended by this. If you ask to be my friend on facebook I most likely will decline, it is not because of you personally, it is because I have to move away and on and thinking about the people that we love and care about and hearing what is going on in their lives makes me realize how much I have lost and how awful of a person I was to have made such a huge mistake. Yes I am calling it a mistake, no matter what anyone in leadership says this was not something that I intended to do.
I also dont really care much for what leadership has to say at this point. I want a response to what was sent out but if I dont get one it's fine. I'm past wisconsin and moved on from it. The door is closed, if you are still on my facebook, and you know who you are, then thanks and I will keep in touch, otherwise I wish you all the best, I pray that God prospers you in all that you do and that you are able to fulfill the mission love God, love People, serve the World.
I now say the words that so many people dont want to hear but that I must say to close the door and lock it.

Good Bye

Searching for what?

It's been quite an interesting few months. Leaving full time ministry forever is one of those things that you have to get used to, well you dont have to get used to it unless you are one of the pastors that reads this, but it's different. I know I won't ever do it again full time reaching into students lives, coming up with crazy events and insanity months and yearly reports to a church. It's strange, but after the last few days I have come to a conclusion that I'm not as upset about it as I was. I have looked at what churches seem to be today and realized that many of them are not reaching where they need to, thats not to say that I don't think the church I was at was or is bad, this is not a judgement call on that church so if you are from up there and you are reading this dont think I'm just mad about the situation, I'm talking about the church in general.
I am looking for a church for the family and it's just not working. I want us to be in a place that we can grow in and that the Kids can enjoy, that realizes that there is a very real part of the gospel that is social, but that maintains the importance of the personal relationship with God that is important to our eternal disposition. 
The idea that Jesus was pretty close to a socialist in theory, but was also interested in the individual as well as the masses is huge in my heart and mind. I know this will make people question my faith but what of it.  If we are not questioning things we are not actively learning and God wants us to grow in our relationship with him and in our knowledge of His word and it's power in life.

a place of worship

well we went back to CLC yesterday, which stands for Christian Life Center. Amberly loves the Childrens program and Zoey does fine in the nursery but J and I just didn't like it at all. The people are nice, it's an awesome blended congregation which is something we have always wanted but we found it somewhat lacking in the preaching department. I want more than a few scriptures and shouting, plus the fact that one individual asked where the sons of thunder were in order to hype the people up. Then he said that they were called the sons of thunder because Jesus renamed them that and it was a good thing. Having just finished an extensive study of the disciples this was not the case. It was not a good thing it had to do with their tempers. I hate that know what you are talking about if you are going to reference it from the platform.

I have come to realize that this is going to be the hardship, I am very critical as it is and even more so of churches because of what I have been and what I'm good at. I'm good at teaching and preaching. I study hard for messages and do the research. I just think anyone that is going to get up in front of 800 plus people needs to do the same, and so the search continues for a place to go to grow in our walk and as a family in our faith.

grrrrr

so today i unplugged the old ipod and low and behold it says there is nothing on it. but the space that was music is used nothing short of a total reset will do. So now I have to rebuild the songs grrrrrr i say grrrrrrr

35

got awake at 5 something with Zoey, and realized well it's been in my brain a lot that i'm 35. not a big deal to some and really not that big a deal to me except that there were places i thought I would be at 35 and i'm not even close. I think thats the worst part I was wanting to be somplace different at 35.

sometimes I get awake and just think about all that I have had and all that I could have and then I think of what I do have and I'm greatful. I have a great family, all three of my girls are my world now, in fact will remain my world. I Have to have it be that way, and it will be which is a good thing.

Still I wonder. What is going to come next, I know what I want to do I really felt good when I was helping the autistic students. I had a glimpse of what being salt and light outside the walls of the church can be and it doesnt' have to involve preaching or bible banging, not that I ever Bible Banged. I dont understand it.

As I move in my walk I am finding a lot more tollerance toward others and a lot less i'm right and you're wrong, even though I know some of the people that we are meeting are wrong in what they belive. Imagine growing up your entire life in a religious tradition, whatever that tradition may be and having someone come up to you and say "well I know this is what you have been taught all your life, and I know that you really believe it and I know that your entire lifetime you have been devoted to it but your wrong. The audacity of us thinking that all we need to do is tell someone of another faith that They are wrong and we are right and everything that they have believed their entire life is a lie and why not just throw it all away and belive what I belive is just stupid, especially when we dont really know what we belive, we know what our parents believed or what the church we go to says we are supposed to belive. Much better to live a life that is different, one that shows that person that they are missing something, that the happiness or contentment that we feel comes from somewhere other than a job or money or family but a deeper place. Build that relationship and then the dialog can happen, and in that dialog the chance to say that the difference is the walk with God that we have, a personal walk not chained to a list of do's and dont's, in fact not chained at all but full of freedom to live and move and be who we are who we were made to be. Realizing that if this is the walk that we are in we will want to please Him and be like Him, realizing that when we mess up we dont' have to run from it but embrace it and repent of it and ask for help with moving away from it and into a new life.

This is what has been missing and this is what I'm going to strive for.

Anyway 35 isn't so bad, I dont feel much different than I did yesterday. Course it's still kinda dark out so who knows.

rebuilding

I think one of the hardest things that is happening is this need to rebuild. I have to rebuild who I am and I am not sure what that looks like. I told J the other night that I have never not known who I am. I have also never lacked confidence, but now I just don't know. I have good days and then I have days that just suck.

It comes down to the fact that I have to give up what I was and really give it up, which is what makes going to church so difficult. I am good at what I do. It's a gift, but I realize something else. I'm like the Prodigal son. I squandered what was given to me. In doing so I have come back and I want to just be a slave and I don't think I can accept more than that. Even if God offered me more I would say no because I don't deserve it. Which is stupid and self righteous I know but still it's because I just don't know what else to do or say. I know I'm pretty depressed. Which makes it even worse, I can tell the depression is there because I just exist a lot of the time. I'm trying to open up and talk more to my family and it's just not something I know how to do very well. I have been an island for so long trying to "shield" and "protect" and "be the man" that I just have a hard time going back to what I was before.

I just miss interaction is all, it's very hard and I don't know how to fix it, which is fine because trying to fix things on my own is what got me here in the first place.

We may go see dan zane this weekend. One of the cool things about DC is that so many things are free because they are govt subbed for everyone. There is an art thing at the Kenedy Center complex and we are going to take the girls. Ride the train into the city and just chill. It's cheaper to ride the train in than try and park somewhere, and with the park and ride lots free on saturdays it makes total sense to drive to a metro station park and then do a couple of train transfers. We tried it this past Sat to go to the Smithsonian but if anyone was watching any type of news they know that it was torrential here so we all squished our way through the african art museam and the Jim Henson exhibit and then had lunch on the train instead of on the mall like I wanted to.

Still it was fun and I'm sure soon I will be able to laugh about things and in things like that.

hit me up if you want I love comments they are a connection at least a bit of one

Sunday Slump

It's 8:00 am and its sunday morning and I'm getting ready to take the family to church. This will be the first time I've been in a church in weeks. The last time I was at church was when we visited my parents on July 8th.
I don't want to go . I want to stay home and sleep the day away or go to the mall and watch the people walking their dogs and selling cheap stuff or anything but sit in a church or stand in a church or be in a church. It's not that God and I aren't talking cuz we are but I dont want to go where there are other people who talk to God. It makes no sense to me I shouldn't have an issue with it but I do. Who knows this church may be differnet or it may be the same. I guess we will find out.

they are so cool

last night I spent some time with the kids at melwood. I did a 15 minute activity with them and then met with the director over childrens and family services as well as over the supported living, poor girl has a lot to do. She wants to hire me to run the after school program. her words were she needs a creative type to set up, schedule, and run the program. I would do great at it and they seem to want to finalize as soon as possible just waiting for the drug screen. Once they get me in I can work on certifications and move up to a mangers position which just means i'll have the certifcation to do what i'm going to be doing anyway. They are creating a position for me to get me in the door so I can get those things. Funny thing is it's the same position that they want me to do just not calling it what it is because of the requirments of special certification.

I am going to check into the praxis and stuff to get moving in that direction as well.

Looking at houses at 4:30 today so do me a favor and pray that we fine something in our price range that we like. We need to get into a place of our own even though they don't mind us staying here I mind us staying here, only because of my kids, ok and because of me.

Hit me up with a comment if you so desire.

Here We Go

Tonight I am going to be finalizing things with melwood hopefully. I have to do a 15 minute activity with the autism students and then meet with the director of childrens and family services. I am excited and a bit nervous.
Messed up yet another thing in that I didn't bring the fire box with all the important stuff in it for the girls to get into school. I remembered the pink one and didn't even think of the birth cert from the other one.

4:30 is the time so if you are reading and if you are so inclined a bit of prayer would be of great help and i'm sure woudl go a long way.

Nothing to Something

I'm sitting in a basement apartment pretty close to Germantown, which is about 15 to 50 minutes from DC depending on the beltway or the metro. There's a small bathroom, a kitchen, and 2 other rooms. It's not where we are going to settle, we are looking at places every day, however it's a family that we met through J's school, actually it's a fellow teacher of J's. Today I have to get my drug test done for the job, as well as get j's stuff over to her so she can get her drivers then look at places, and find Amberly's school. They are both with me and it's hard because I'm trying to get them through the day, Zoey keeps asking to go home. Telling her we are home is just not cutting it, I don't think it will matter until we find a place which i'm hoping to do today.

This past weekend was very difficult. I just wanted to leave the in-laws because of back handed snide comments. I'm still having issues with myself and with wanting to be around myself. I do great for a while and then Sunday hits and I end up hating myself again because of the way I feel. J said I need to just shut the door and I know she's right but it's so hard to do.

Anyway I'm looking forward to hearing from maywood.

Enjoy your day and hit me with a comment no matter who you are I would like to hear thoughts and feelings.

DC

Having finally made it to the DC area I got to see J and tomorrow I get to see my kids. Had an interview today that was supposed to last 30 minutes and ended up going an hour plus. If I can get a certain certification I can get a better position, the recruitment specialist was extremely excited about me and wanted other people at the company to meet me. During the interview I realized something, I have always sold myself short. I am good at what I do, I am a great leader and I can build a team and reach into peoples lives. I don't have to reach into those lives in a church. There are other great opportunities that I need to take.
I have said over and over that ministry needs to be outside the walls of the church, so why did I think that I had to minister in the walls. My eyes were opened to day at this interview for the first time to the very real and awesome possibility of being salt and light in the world, instead of trying to make other people want to be salt and light. I am not knocking the church, I am good at youth ministry, but it's time to move past it. I will continue to write, get these articles submitted and we will find a church to attend but it is time for me to move on.

I was excited at this interview, excited because someone saw me as desirable for a job helping others. I was very candid about what I would and wouldn't do and also very candid about purchasing. I told her that it is not someting that I will do that I will have someone else do all purchasing if I am given the position. She was totally fine with this.

Why does it take humanity so long to learn what important? Why do we have to learn the hard way. I did. It took forever to learn and now that I have learned I'm going to take it to the grave.

one day more

I am happy that tomorrow I load the truck and Tuesday I can pull out of Wisconsin. I miss my family terribly, it's been over a week since I have seen them. Zoey actually talked to me last night on the phone, well sort of. I cried and she said daddy cryin. Her words are so much clearer now than they were.

Today is going ok have sold servarl things and am hoping to sell more. I am praying that someone will buy the amp head and the computer. That will be a big help. If the Trampoline sells it will be even better thats a big chunk of change. Well not big, not even close to what we paid for it but still we have gotten a good amount of use from it and we can always buy another one when things are back on solid ground.

I'm excited about blue sky but also a little bit frightened. Who knows what will happen.

The sooner i can get out of here the happier I will be.

nailed it

well that audition finally went through, at least the first part at least 30 different voices in 20 minutes. They want me to come and watch the shows and see what i think of it but it looks very promising. if you're reading and if you are the praying type please do so for us as we are still trying to find a place to live. there are some promising leads but they are just that leads and nothing more at this point.

when is it enough?

I have come to realize that things do not always go the way they are supposed to. As everyone who as been reading knows things have been pretty bad for the Newell's. I take responsiblity as eveyrone also knows but when is it enough. Thats what I keep asking God. Here's why. Everything that has happened people know about. On top the brown car needed new breaks before J could leave. 500 bucks, the red car needed a new muffler before I can leave 500 bucks. Trying to find a place to live with zero money. Yea thats a big one. We need help but no one we know can help us with this, and the icing on the cake as it were, and that is not meant at all in a disrespectful manner, my dad called this evening and told me that my uncle passed away. I am hoping to be able to get to Youngstown for the funeral, however it is all going to depend on what happens here with the move and when the funeral is.

So again I ask.

WHEN IS IT ENOUGH?

call backs

yesterday I told all of you about the whole puppet thing, and the adoption thing. Well it seems that the puppet thing is closer to working out than I thought would be possible. You know how it is one of those wow wouldn't this be a cool job but I dont really have any real chance of doing it. I got a call back last night. Talked to the director for quite a while and have a script on laptop that will be used to work on character voices so the he can see my range. I have always wanted to be a person who could get paid to perform and while it's not me in front of people it's me behind a stage in front of people. I'm very excited. Still not ruling out the adoption thing. I am very willing to do that as well, as most people may or may not know adoption is dear to my heart so that would be a great thing to be able to do as well. It just would be really cool if I could do the puppet thing. I would have a blast and make much needed money as well.

Still waiting to hear your votes in the matter.

puppet master or adoption worker

Sent a few resume's out today and got 2 bites. They couldn't be more different. One is actually and audition for a profeessional puppet team. They have preformed at the Kenedy center and everything I think that would be fun and hope it could move to working on sessame street. Go figure lol. The other is working for an adoption agency. Something near to my heart because of the fact that we adopted Amberly. Who knows whats going to happen but if you're reading hit me up with which one you think I would be better at.

alone

I think one of the most interesting aspects of this whole thing is the fact that I have been feeling alone and now I am alone. J and the Girls got the first leg of the journey done safely and are starting the second or have started the second she will call when they get there, then it's on to the DC area. HOpe she can find a good place to live. Things are incredibly tight right now but hey i'm sure everyone knew that and some are probably happy about it. I'm not but who cares. I got cards to send to them all and hope to get things done so that I can see them again. I dont do well without my girls all three of them.

lightening the load

Ok so I'm amazed as I sit here looking at boxes at how much stupid stuff we moved when we came here. J and I collectivly have gotten rid of tons of stuff that we packed in boxes or just left in boxes and never even looked at.

I am so glad to be rid of some of it. It's just so much extra baggage.

Now if I could just find a way to get rid of the mental baggage and emotional stuff I will be getting somewhere.

will it get better

I thought I had turned a corner but I guess it was just an S curve. I'm curious as to when if ever it will get better.

I have never felt this much hate in my life.

feeling bi polar

I think one of the hardest things is that I want to move on and when I feel like I am starting to it just gets all messed up. I told J today that I have never actually hated myself before, whats worse is that I am starting to feel some of that towards others.
For the record.

YES I made a huge mistake. I sinned, I was wrong. I am a horrible person, I recognize this, I am not however evil and just so all of those individuals who are out there keep saying that if I had been a real man of God then I would not have made this mistake in the first place shut up. I have said it before and I will say it again. We all have issues that we work through every day. The problem that I am having right now is that the issue that I was having while never intended to do what it has, has pretty much screwed up my life and others as well.

I also feel bad, I have heard it said that there are people at the church that feel bad, that are saying that this is so hard on them and that it's difficult. This is again one of those things that bugs me about me. I say Good. I'm glad it's hard for you if your reading, it's hard for me too. It's very hard for me. I put myself here but so did some of you.

Communication. This all comes down to it. People just dont do that any more, and it sucks.

Anyway I know that we will be ok eventually, and please dont tell me that you don't desire this to be the end of Aaron because as most individuals who are involved in minstry and in life know this is the end of Aaron. This is it there is no more ministry for me. I want to make that clear. In fact I don't know what there is for me any more. I am unhirable as far as I'm concerned. I want something but have no idea what that could or may be.

I feel totally and completely alone. I HATE that.

Telephone

Years ago I played this game called telephone, I'm sure everyone has played it, someone starts a sentance and then it goes around the circle and comes back out and it's usually all messed up.

There are times that I feel like i'm in a big game of telephone right now. Here's the thing I would rather those people who read my blog and have comments about what is on it or what I am saying or what I am feeling post to the blog. If it's encouragement cool, if it's a desire to rip a hole in my side and yell at me, great you would be amazed how theraputic that can be. If it's just to ask questions about what is happening and where we are heading thats fine too. The thing is talking this way is great because there is no way anyone can say but this is what he said and this is what I said and things stay open because everyone can just pop on the old rants page and see what everyone else is saying and what I am saying. No hiding that way. So here it is I'm actually telling all those out there in wanting to know whats going on and what is aaron thinking land it's open season. No permit needed just fire away. I promise I will reply probably through the blog, I do not promise that you will like what I say or that you will not like what I say just that I will keep posting what I am thinking and feeling, which is what I have been doing anyway.

feelin it

Today was the last day of swimming lessons. One thing I can say that I wont miss will be the freezing cold that is swimming pool water in Milwaukee. It never got warm from the first day of lessons until now it remained cold. Which reminded me that wow we can still feel even when life sucks.
The past few days have been especially hard because I am remember what we were doing this time last year and realinzing that we are doing that again already and all because of me again makes me sad.
I have done pretty well these past few days not getting sick I mean I have started to shut down at different points but I remind myself that it was my actions that put me here and that I need to man up and so I just ignore it. This is different though this is like sick, stomach hurt and all that feeling really crappy. Not a good time for this to have happened, with all the stuff that is going on. Still I will live, it's like John Mayer says boys soldier on, and no for those of you who have been reading and want to say that I'm slipping back into the must take care of it thing thats not what I mean. I just mean that I'll live and do what I must. Friday is going to suck because of what it is and because J has to leave early and she will ahve the kids and after it's all over i'll be alone to get stuff done but still it will be really difficult. Least I won't have to go to Church lol.

picking up speed

We have been riding our bikes a lot lately. Amberly and J both ride and then I ride with Zoey in a seat on the back. Adding 35 lbs to the ride makes things a bit more difficult. Especially the hills. One thing that I have noticed is that when I have to peddle up the hills with Zoey on my bike it's hard. I grunt a lot and pump really hard, and eventually get up the hill. The thing is what goes up must come down and the work of getting up the hill can and is rewarded with a coast down the hill... eventually. It's the coasting down that makes it fun and sometimes scary.

The past few weeks have been a lot of pumping, and while there is more pumping to come, more hills to climb I think that they are starting to level off, and I am beginning to see and feel the coasting part. Not a lot mind you but I can finally actually see the end of the tunnel.

I pray that it won't be forever to get there. The move is exciting and frightening all together. I am really excited about the prospects and pray that God will open doors and all that stuff.

breathing in and out

I have gotten to the point in life where I realize that breathing in and out is all that a person can do. The frightening thing about that is it's not even guaranteed to us. We dont know when that last breath happens, so we have to be happy and thankful to God for even the ability to breath. He has to help us he has to be a part of it because He's the one that holds humanity in His hands. Notice I didn't say Christians in His hands I said Humanity. I said it that way on purpose. He holds everyone in his hands the problem is humans act like children and try their best to pull away from the person doing the holding. He still numbers our days not just Christians days but everyones days. He knows when that last breath is going to be drawn.
What does this have to do with whats happening. A lot actually. One of my big problems. No thats not accurate. My BIG problem is that I am a person who feels he has to be able to take care of everything. It's in my make up and I dont do well when it comes to getting or asking for help. I have to be able to fix it I have to be the man I have to handle things. I have to be able to all on my own take care of things. I leave the people that are the most important out of it and dont give them the chance because of some stupid prehistoric hunter gatherer mentality that makes no sense. UGG ME MAN ME FIX ALL ME NO NEED ANYONE. Except thats not true. I need people I need help I need to be a part of something I have been in the past but I can't do the whole I'll fix it because I end up not fixing it. It's amazing how much pride causes all the problems in the world. People say that sin started with Adam and Eve. I say sin started with PRIDE. It all comes down to it and because of our pride ok wait because of my pride I was unable to ask for help and was unable to be the man that God wanted me to be.
So for all those that are reading the old angst filled rants from Aaron. I ask that you forgive me for the pride that has caused me to be in this position and you as well.

Here We Go

Well it's Sunday morning. I am going to go to church, even though I don't want to. I just don't like the thought of being looked at and whispered about.

I want this to be over and I want to go back and re-do things and I want to be restored to who I am and who I was and this can not ever happen and it makes me angry at myself and at the people who are pushing for the breaking that they have helped to cause.

I have never felt this way about one particular person in my entire life, and I hate that I feel that way but it just won't go away. I can't believe it, I can't even bring myself to pray for the person. I know that is part of what is going on but I have never loathed anyone more than myself before.

The First Time

I picked up a game controller for the first time in weeks on Thursday. Amberly wanted to play a game with daddy. Mario Kart and Wii Play. As soon as she was finished playing I was too. Just shut it down, I couldn't get into it.
I told J I thought it would be great if you could get a picture of someones face and super impose it into the game on the bad guys. Childish yes but it would be really cool. So I tried again last night and it worked. I actually played for a bit and enjoyed getting lost in a different type of world for a bit. The problem is while it was good to play it was also sort of hollow for me. Games are something that I enjoyed especially because they offered a point of connection with students, it's hard to want to play them with no students to discuss them with or to play them with.
The thing is when your life revolved around what you are and when that thing is taken away your life holds very little meaning.
I think one of the hardest parts of all of this is Ohio would have been such an easy answer, except when we went there I kind of knew that it wasn't going to happen. Why can't it just be the easy thing. So now we are looking all over. We are looking south, Florida and NC, I kinda want her to check TX and Arizona as well. But we will see. Once we know where a job is I can find a school and get back to becoming a contributing member.
Last night was so hard for me. Getting diapers with change and at the checkout Amberly just wanted a 99 cent pack of cookies. I so wanted to hand it to her dads are supposed to be able to do that for their kids and here we are. I can't and it's my fault that I can't. Just another reason to feel the way I do about myself.
I am dreading tomorrow I hate Sunday's because I really don't want to set foot into a church. I need to but I have no desire to. I feel like when I go out everyone is looking at me with either disgust or with pitty. I hate both of them.

Restoration Peshaw

New revelations seem to happen all the time. I'm really pretty upset about things that I"m finding out now. Things that are being said and the way people are doing what always seems to happen.
When I hear that people who was supposed to be helping me now are saying that they feel used. When I hear that people are talking about things without all the facts. When I hear that they are all about restoration and then I see their actions and I sit here trying to figure out how to feed my family and how to make things ok for my kids. I get more and more angry. Angry at myself and angry at them.
I guess it just doesn't matter. We are looking for work we are trying to figure things out and I am trying

What people think they know

The thing is when there is a problem anywhere that deals with people, and when those people don't know the story or hear things but don't really listen the problem that occurs is people begin to talk about things and soon the soap opera starts. Like right now. It gets blown up even bigger than it is, I'm not saying that this is small, if you were living in the middle of it right now you would think it was huge. But things are said on a regular basis by people to put it in perspective. I just hate that there are people talking about things that they don't know for sure. I think my favorite was that I have an E-Bay account that I was selling things on. Someone just came up with that one and told it to people. Thats just not right but it is the nature of the beast and I know that. I find things out all the time it seems and I learn things that I had not a clue about. Another one is that the people that were "helping me," or were on my side told others that they felt like I used them, saying their words but not really feeling it. There is a problem with this and I'll explain it. Yes I did use their words, because thats what they were supposed to be doing they were supposed to be helping me know how to communicate with others. It doesn't discount the fact that I felt all the things they wanted I just did what I thought was supposed to be done, listen to the men who were "Helping." The worst part about all of it is, if I had just had J in there she could have done what they were trying so much better. I suck at appologies and saying I'm sorry, I'm not sure why I mean the sorrow and I mean the appology but It comes off as less than sincere. I wish it were otherwise but it isn't.

Anyway it's all over and there is no hope of restoration, even though that is what people kept saying. I realize that it's something we say because it's what is supposed to be able to happen, a Biblical concept that we say we believe in but that we really ignore.

Who am I

I think this is the one question that has plagued me for the past 3 weeks. I am not sure any more. I have just given up trying to figure it out to be honest. I just want to move on with life. I really hope J gets a second interview in Campble. Getting away from Milwaukee and all that it is is really what I want to do. I want to get in school and get on with the teaching degree so I can get away from the feelings, anger, and resentment. Still have zero desire to set foot in any type of church. I just dont feel like it.

the worst

Graheahhehehehehehehheheheehehaf. Thats the best approximation of what I am feeling right now. I would go outside and scream but it would freak people in the neighborhood out so I will just do what I always do and scream on the inside and stuff my feelings.

Sunday's are really hard. Not the the other day's are easy, but Sundays make me realize the extreme loss.

reign over me

Music has always been a huge part of my life. Several months ago when life was very different and I was living my dream not tossing and turning in this nightmare I watched a move called Reign on Me.

I have always been a fan of The Who and Quadrephinea has a song in it that is the title song of the movie. I loved it then and have listened to it a lot in the past 2 weeks, even putting it on repeat while I was filling out forms online.

The story in the rock opera is of a young man who looses everthing and runs to the sea and sings this song where he screams at Heaven asking Love to Reign on him. He is screaming at the sky I can't even seem to do that.

For Sale

For sale broken youth pastor. 10 plus years experience.

I thought of posting this somewhere but realized that no one wants a broken youth pastor. Not many people want a broken anything except God, and right now I just don't know. I told J that I would do anything for things to be reversed, and I would. It just doesn't matter.

It's hard to realize that the thing that you have worked all your life for is no longer an option for you. People have said all kinds of things in the past few weeks, from you'll be fine, to when the dust settles you will be back at it. The thing is while it's what I am and what I'm best at, they don't get the reality of the whole situation. I won't be back at it for several reasons. There are the obvious ones, but there are also the logical ones.

In September I'm going to be 35. The average youth pastor is in his or her 20's. With the experience comes a bit more need as far as salary goes add to that they 2 kids that I have and the wife and well thats just it.

Plus I can't do it any more not to my family, not to myself, not to another group of students. So it's back to the drawing board. The thing is, I know what is going to happen, I know I'm just going to function. I hate that but it's the way it is. I'll do what I have to do and I'll do my best plus at it. The work a holic in me will keep pushing but it wont be me. Thats the worst part of this whole thing. But hey I have taught that things are not easy and that consequences are there and while we are forgiven and while God loves us and will see us through anything the consequence still has to be lived out.

drowning

I am not sure if I have ever felt this alone before in my life. I miss so much, I just hate where I am. I hate what has brought me here, and dare I say it I hate the way some people have just wrote me off.

I am afraid, truly afraid for the first time in a very long time. I am not necessarily afraid of the obvious things though. I don't like the way I feel about God at this point. I don't like the way I feel about leaders that I know. I hate the way I feel about myself, and yet I am not sure how to change that. It most likely won't change any time soon.

Someone spoke of breaking my will but not my spirit. Well the worst part of this whole thing is that I am totally broken and I can't find myself. I Can't find happiness, I can't find peace, I can't find my way. I just want to crawl under a rock somewhere and be left alone, but I want to have someone reach out and touch me.

Thats the worst, I am craving touch and I can't initiate it. I can hug my girls but thats not what I want, and no it's not even remotely sexual touch that I'm thinking of, It's fingers interlaced with mine, it's more than a back in bed, it's a hand on my leg as I drive.

I am pretty close to hating me at this point. That's the worst of it. I have never hated my self, I have been angry at myself, I have been sorry, I have been disapointed but I just can't get over this loathing of myself. It's the worst part of this whole thing, I have spoken of the old Aaron being gone or hard to find. It's not just hard to find it's non existent.

I hate church or the thought of church. I know I need to get the girls there but I don't want to, I don't want to go myself. I read the Bible and I look for comfort but it just doesn't come.

A couple of nights ago I told God he had to show me something good, anything to let me know He's still there and still holds me in His hand, He did that, at least I think he did but I'm not so sure now. Thats another thing. I used to be so sure of when I heard what God was saying, now I don't even know if He was speaking to me at all. How many times have I made my voice His?

I keep thinking of Peter, denying Christ three times. Each time a bit more emphatically each time with more intensity. I think of His restoration and how he became the person that God used to start the church, and then I think of Paul having to rebuke Him. The worst part of all of this is not wanting to be restored. I have never felt this alone. I know I have said that before but it is the biggest thing that I'm feeling right now.

Years ago I watched this movie called the Never Ending Story. Fairy tale stuff I know but it in the bad guy as it were was called the nothing, it ate entire worlds, unraveling the world as we know it. I feel like the nothing has been through my personal world. The inside of Aaron and has sucked everything that is away and just left me to deal with this empty dead shell. It's not even about being dead to myself. It's more than that.

please...

Getting back to it

I have lost sight of things in 14 years of marriage. I have lost sight of the partner that I have and somehow have forgotten how much she is here as a help mate. God said it's not good for man to be alone so I will make him someone to help him. Then why do I try and do things alone. I'm not sure. I know I'm supposed to cover her and keep her safe but she can do some of the same things for me if I will let her. That's what I have to start doing, letting her help me. I don't know what is going to happen but I do know that I want her to be a big part of it. As I look at Zoey watching caillo J asleep in bed I remember that even in this ordeal I am blessed.

Losing it all

In the past 4 weeks I have lost a lot. Not everything, I still have my family but I have lost everything else. J has said that she misses the guy she knew in college, this has been something she has said for a while. I miss him too but figure he's pretty much gone for good. I feel like wood inside, hollow is not even a good word for it just wodden and rotten. Day's roll into each other. The mornings are the worst, actually today is worse than the others. I should be heading home right now after, tomorrow will be worse. I don't even want to go to church. A friend in Ohio asked me how my faith was. Well my faith in my salvation is fine, it's the other stuff that I'm just not sure about. I have very little faith in other stuff. Frank said that because there was a job posting that went up the day J and I were looking at things in Ohio it must be God. I used to think things like that were God but I don't any more. Perhaps thats a bad thing, it could be that because I'm having trouble believing that He would work like that for me it will jinx it.

Anger is there, it's pretty deep and it's mostly directed at myself but there is a measure to go to others, still not much the majority goes to me. It will for a long time. Right now I have to find some kind of Job and pray that J finds one so I can get back to school.

Ministry is over, I won't be doing it any more. I just can't. The one thing I'm good at and because of my stupidity and failure to ask for help when I needed it I will never do it again.