drowning

I am not sure if I have ever felt this alone before in my life. I miss so much, I just hate where I am. I hate what has brought me here, and dare I say it I hate the way some people have just wrote me off.

I am afraid, truly afraid for the first time in a very long time. I am not necessarily afraid of the obvious things though. I don't like the way I feel about God at this point. I don't like the way I feel about leaders that I know. I hate the way I feel about myself, and yet I am not sure how to change that. It most likely won't change any time soon.

Someone spoke of breaking my will but not my spirit. Well the worst part of this whole thing is that I am totally broken and I can't find myself. I Can't find happiness, I can't find peace, I can't find my way. I just want to crawl under a rock somewhere and be left alone, but I want to have someone reach out and touch me.

Thats the worst, I am craving touch and I can't initiate it. I can hug my girls but thats not what I want, and no it's not even remotely sexual touch that I'm thinking of, It's fingers interlaced with mine, it's more than a back in bed, it's a hand on my leg as I drive.

I am pretty close to hating me at this point. That's the worst of it. I have never hated my self, I have been angry at myself, I have been sorry, I have been disapointed but I just can't get over this loathing of myself. It's the worst part of this whole thing, I have spoken of the old Aaron being gone or hard to find. It's not just hard to find it's non existent.

I hate church or the thought of church. I know I need to get the girls there but I don't want to, I don't want to go myself. I read the Bible and I look for comfort but it just doesn't come.

A couple of nights ago I told God he had to show me something good, anything to let me know He's still there and still holds me in His hand, He did that, at least I think he did but I'm not so sure now. Thats another thing. I used to be so sure of when I heard what God was saying, now I don't even know if He was speaking to me at all. How many times have I made my voice His?

I keep thinking of Peter, denying Christ three times. Each time a bit more emphatically each time with more intensity. I think of His restoration and how he became the person that God used to start the church, and then I think of Paul having to rebuke Him. The worst part of all of this is not wanting to be restored. I have never felt this alone. I know I have said that before but it is the biggest thing that I'm feeling right now.

Years ago I watched this movie called the Never Ending Story. Fairy tale stuff I know but it in the bad guy as it were was called the nothing, it ate entire worlds, unraveling the world as we know it. I feel like the nothing has been through my personal world. The inside of Aaron and has sucked everything that is away and just left me to deal with this empty dead shell. It's not even about being dead to myself. It's more than that.

please...