2 days away from a 2009 and I am more confused and sad and frustrated than I have ever been.  
I wish these dreams would stop, all they seem to do is make me wonder and wish that there were some type of hope that isn't there.  
Christmas has been ok, we have spent time with family and thats been berable, I still am trying to make some decisions about schooling. I am leaning toward some form of therapy wether it be occupational or someting like that. I would be good at it and there are always jobs available in those fields.  Yes it's a lot of schooling but I can do it and do it well.  It's not my first choice, it's not what I want, what I want is to be what I am good at and what I'm built to be but, as I have taught my life over is that it doesn't work that way.  While we are promised forgiveness from Christ we are not promised slavation from the aftermath the consequences.  I am living with that.  It just sucks that others have to too.

Christmas Stuff

Dec. 24
Almost six months ago I was fired from the one job that I have ever been good at, and the best church I had ever worked for. It’s a pretty safe assumption that I wont be working for any other churches. I would do anything to go back but still that is beside the point. God would truly have to move on hearts and minds to allow that to happen. Still I was in the middle of a pretty cool study and series or I was going to be on stuff I learned from Daniel. Then I had a thought. What If I went on ahead and continued that series. What if I started from scratch, what if I went on ahead and wrote the sermons anyway, then posted them somewhere for anyone that would like to read and see what happens.

For almost 15 years give or take a year or two I have studied, written, planned and implemented some type of service and message, sometimes more than one. It’s been very hard to stop doing that. It’s been very hard to not impact students lives, and families lives. It would be different if I didn’t Love the kids from Collision or from any group for that matter but the fact is that I do.

I remember saying in the last meeting that I was begging for myself yes but also for my family and my kids, it strikes me now all these months later that I may have been misunderstood again. I didn’t mean my own kids. I love them and want them to be happy and have the best, I meant my kids. The kids of Collision. I miss every one of them and their families. I know that some of you are reading my blog. I’m glad you are. I wish that you would let me know even if it’s as an anonomous poster. Still I am going to attempt to at least once a week put up a teaching just like I would have been doing each Tuesday night. I don’t think I will ever use that gift again but I don’t want to lose it, I learned just as much as everyone else, probably more so.

Start looking for them they will probably be under a link or something. Who knows one day I may even start recording them and sticking the audio up. That will take feedback though.



Dec. 25
Well this is the day that I have been dreading for the past month. It’s Christmas day and all I want to do is cry. Amberly was given some money from Grammy and Pap Pap and immediately came over and handed it to me. She said she wanted me to have it. I have to stay strong, I need to not cry but it’s so hard to do. I am so undone. I wonder sometimes about Onesimus. The problem is I don’t have a Paul to write to the people at Harvest and tell them to take me back.
I’m not sure how the day is going to be. I just sit here and I think about Christmas and what it is and what it is supposed to be. I remember a simpler time when J and I first got married, I remember a more complex time when getting gifts was the best thing in the world because I could get her what I wanted within reason. I remember the joy of watching her open things and just being so proud. (there’s that word again) proud of the fact that I was able to give those things to her. Same goes for my kids. A house that is ours that sits in a town that is going to be dead in a year or so.




December 27, 2008
I know I already did vidblog for today but just had to pop up a little bit of a gloat. I have been able to win just about every game that we have played since coming here. This is made all the more sweet because of who I have beaten ever time we have played. Childish yes, but sweet all the same.

Spent the past 2 days making all sorts of Christmas gifts, Pretzels, Truffels, Biscotti, Re-doing J's Calender and much more.  We are going to head to J's parents tomorrow, we get to see the girls which will be great.  Then it's on to my parents for a while. 
I still need a job so if you are one of those people who talks to God do me a favor and pray that something opens up.  We really need something to happen on that front. 
Enjoy your Christmas, I'm going to try and enjoy ours though I must admit it's not something I am looking forward too.
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Thoughts

Here we have the second installment of the whole video thing. I know in the video it says I'm going to play with the background and stuff but I think I need to babystep that one. Well I know I do. Still here are some thoughts from Last night. I have more but I believe they will come in the form of writing. Perhaps deeper than need be.



Let me know...

the chill in the air

So I dont want to just do the whole video blog thing, sometimes typing is better, well not better but writing is a process and I like going through the process the old fashioned way, well not really old fashioned but the typing way.

Thanks to Emily I found out that those of you reading up in WI are getting hammered by snow. It will come as no surprise to you that we are not. In fact it's 42 here right now tomorrow is going to be 48 and our first chance at snow is Saturday with a high of 38 the low will hit 28. Still it's been very different here. I wish I could say I missed the cold and snow but as any of you that heard me on countless occasions know, that is not the case. Well sort of. I like snow when it comes to my kids getting to play in it and I do like looking out the window with a mug of something hot and seeing it, I'm not big into cold though. Which is why I am saying a chill is in the air. I am COLD. Really glad it's not as cold here as I know it is there I would be an Aaroncicle and thats not someting I want to be.

Hope you all are keeping warm, and to those in the area we have it made compared to WI trust me I know, and for those in FL, well you just make me sick. lol

Here goes the first try see how you like it... if you like it...

video blogging test

I thought I may try something new.  I may see if it is possible do do a little bit of video blogging on here.  It would be kinda cool not sure I will do it all the time but once in a while may be cool.  That way there can be a line of thought rant that is just what i'm thinking without having to type it out.  The only problem is I like the process of writing it helps in gathering thoughts.  Anyway I'm looking into it see what you think and let me know.

the round headed kid and other christmas myths

Tonight I put lights on the tree as J and the gilrs spent time at the library,  this is a good thing because if anyone has read my blog lately you know what happens when extreme ammounts of frustration ensue,  If you're wondering check out Thanksgiving Days post as well as the comment left if you are the person who left it well at least you know who you are"  Anyway I'm putting the lights on and the kids are not here which is a good thing because I usually tend to lose my temper and get hurt at least once or twice dont ask it usually involves my foot stepping down on the wrong end of a piece of the tree.  Anyway as I was going through this a couple of interesting things came to mind. 

1.  I did not lose it, in fact it was a nice quiet night and I put the tree together and put the lights on and no bad thoughts at all, I also put some christmas music on which I have not wanted to do all month.  So thats a good thing as well.

2.  So listening to Harry I heard him singing a song called I come with Love.  If you haven't heard it I suggest you do.  A person who does not profess faith singing a song that so adequatly portrays what Christmas is all about really helped me gain a bit more perspective about the season.  Not saying I'm into it but this was a nice thing to hear.  Means that I still have a spot that can be softened toward the 25.  Still it also got me to thinking.

3.  Charlie Brown was a chump.  I know we all love that special, it is in fact the way I learned the Christmas Story word for word but still think about it.  It's another spot in life where mediocrity is ok.  Where doing less than the best job that can be done is rewarded because we're all ok right.  He messed it up.  He got a cruddy tree and in the end it was all ok because everyone realized that it was the thought that counted.   He thought it could be made better and linus says at the end "it's not a bad little tree"  except it was a bad little tree.  Just becuase they all sing hark the herald angels sing does not change the fact that the tree was crappy.  I know I know when they loved it and decorated it, it was fabulous but be realistic.  If there is not someting there it's not going to be put there with a song and a little "love." 

Whats this mean well to me it means all of us especially me have bought into this idea that were good enough, were smart enought and doggonnit people like us.  Well it's not so it's not the way it is.  The wisemen brought gifts of gold, francinsense, and myrrh.  These were thought out precious gifts.  Not emotional feel good gifts. 

any thoughts

oh yea

and

Bah HUMBUG

88 miles an hour

What would you do with 88 miles an hour.  I have been pondering this.  Would I relive events, would I change things, would I ignore it.  Some may say "come on Aaron it's obvious what you would do." To some extent this is true.  I would change things, but not necessarily in the way that would make my life easier right now.  Instead of going back way way back and changing things I would go back and change one aspect of my life.  One thing would be different, I would admit that I needed help.  I would partner with people instead of being an Island and not just in Ministry, I'm good at partnering with people there but in life.  I would ask for help, I would offer help, I would admit need more.  I would not try and be some big totally together person.  Thats the thing.  I wouldn't relive highschool, or college, I wouldn't do any changing like that I would just be willing to ask.  So here's your chance, what would yo do with 88 miles an hour. 

bad dreams

Last night was bad, well not last night this morning.
I used to like dreams, I think everyone does, and if any of you know me I love being creeped out so scary dreams are fun as well.  But the bad dreams I have now are different.  They are bad because they start out with me being happy and getting things together for Collision.  I dream the message writing I dream all of it I dream setting up stuff for the meetings, I dream adult leader meetings, I dream it all.  The reason it's a bad dream is because then I wake up and I realize where I am and what I dont have and why and well it just is bad and it makes the day bad.  I get moody and morose and well it's just not good.
It would be different if I didn't care about the people and all that but the bottom line is I do.  It makes it harder because of all of that.  Imagine dreaming of the best thing in the world, what you have always wanted and desired and then imagine it brining you down to a place of depression.  Thats the thing that stinks.  The depression associated with the whole thing.  I was good at something, really good at it, no matter what anyone says I hold onto that but being good at it makes it even harder.  If I had been bad at it, if I just sat in a desk chair and gave the minimum effort it would be different.

Ah well nothing I can do about it.  I know this and so I have to live with the good days and the bad ones.  I have to think about what the people up there think and believe about me.  I have this delusion that will never happen and even if it did would they want me around.  I fear I know the answer.  Well I do know the answer, which makes it even worse.  I hate the idea that people ah well why dwell on it.  Anyway thats all for today.  I think I'll go back to my thoughts and see if I can get working on another chapter in the book.

smarter than yours

Kids are an amazing thing.  The capacity to learn is pretty interesting to watch develop.  Amberly has moved into the realm of the first grader and Zoey is of course in her Stripe faze.  Don't know who Stripe is rent Gremlins and you'll find out.  I even call her stripe,  anyway back to my super smart awesome daughters.   I heard Amberly reading today.  She is sounding out words and is able to figure out what things say and how they are said.  

Zoey is a sponge as well.  Picking up on all sorts of words and phrases and putting together sentences.  In a nod to yesterdays post I'm proud of them both.  They are both amazing, oh yes and Amberly is awesome at math, lucky her I will never be able to help her with that homework when it gets past plus and minus but thats ok.  

Anyway just had to brag on my kids a bit they are awesome. 

Bah Humbug

It will come as no suprise that I am not at all looking forward to Christmas this year.  I was not looking forward to Thanksgiving either, but that's just the way it is.  Probably the way it will be for quite a while. 
I just can't get into Christmas everything in every aspect of the holiday reminds me of all that was lost. 
Pride is an intersting thing.  It's okay to be proud of your child when they do great in sports, or in school or what have you.  It's great to be proud at a great sense of accomplishment, like when I make bread that turns out.   Those are good things to be proud of.  Then there is the pride that comes from being human and thinking that you are the end all be all. There is the pride that comes from saying you have to take care of all the issues and problems that come your way all alone.  That you have to be able to do it all and if one of the plates fall or if the dominos get knocked over before completion it's all your fault.  This has been my issue for a long time.  I have this inate need to be able to do it all and take care of it all and be it all.  I know what this means.  I know the person who's place I'm attempting to take when this happens.  I get it, all of it, I have taught it and implemented it and told others about it.  I think thats the worst part about it.  I have taught and said all the things that people have said to me.  I have sat in an office with a person and told them that "all things work for the good"  I have said that God has a reason and a purpose even if it doesn't make sense to you.  I have said that God can still use you he is the God of continual chances.  If you would like to debat me on that one it's fine but he has to give us more than two,  look at his chosen people in Exodus and Leviticus, and and and.   He is the God of chances not just the second chance. 
I know all of this, and at one point I belived it.  I guess there is a part of me that still does believe it to some extent, however there is also a huge part of me that says all that is great and sounds good and makes sense when things are going well for me.  See it's easy to say things like that when life is where you think it should be.  It's easy to pop off Bible verses, and religious sayings when you are doing well but do we think of the person we are saying them too.  I used to think I did, but now I'm not so sure.  Now sitting on the recieving end of well meaning people who I am sure care about me and my family I just want to say talk about anyting but God. Talk about anytihng but his will for my life or any of that.  Here goes the big one thats going to draw some fire but hey.  I dont care about the reason for the season.  Don't get me wrong I am eternally greatful for the fact that Jesus came down and became one of us and died for me, but I have to tell you that remembering He is the greatest gift of all does nothing for me when I walk into walmart and see things that I would like to give my girls and can't.  When I walk into a store and think wow woudln't it be great to get that for J for Christmas.   See I know Jesus is what Christmas is all about.  But it's more than that.  For me it is. 
So Bah Humbug, I dont even want to listen to Christmas music.

someting in the water

Friend of mine talked about the super powers his daughter has.  I must agree with him, it's quite amazing how a 2 year old person is able to completley and utterly not just take up your day but run it into the ground.  I love both of my children but wow.  Something happens that they just go OFF.  I almost wanted to change Z's name to damien and see if her head was spinning around. 
Still managed to get the house clean and ready for us to leave.  We are headed to the inlaws for the family Christmas dinner.  I would love to say that I'm looking forward to it, but I'm not.  I already told J that if there are comments this time I will not just sit and ignore it.  Hope there are none. 
Lets see oh yea got the resume all squared away to send to mr wofford so if your the praying sort and think about it say a few for me when it get sent. 
Finally sound and music is integral in my life.  Big song lately has been by kings x called pray for me.  Don't get excited but check it out if you want to.  It's on their website I belive.  Dug penned the lyrics and I can see and relate to where he is coming from in some aspects.

six degrees

As some of you may know I am a graduate of Southestern College, now Southeastern University.  When I got there I of course met lots of people, one of wich was a girl named Faith,  she is a recent addition to the readership so I thought I would giver her a hey, anyway Faith has a cousin who lives and works in DC and is friends with a rather influential political figure.  She told her cousin that I was in need of work and he in turn talked to this individual, at least thats how I understand it.  Anyway long story short the senator or ex senator wants my resume' there may be someting for me to do that helps advocate for youth or familes or something. 
Amazing.  The thing is Faith and I had lost touch and then found each other again with Myspace a little over a year ago. 
The whole six degrees of seperation thing is intersting.  Some would say that its just coincidence, and then there are people who stick God into every aspect of life that would say it's God that put us back in touch becuase he knew in His omniscience what was going to happen and that I was going to screw things up and be where we are now, and it's all part of His master plan for Aaron.  Don't get me wrong I think that God is more than capable of doing that, I just don't think He did. 
I tend to belive that God puts choices into our lives and how we choose effects the place that we are.  I also think that he allows difficult times to test if we are really relying on Him or if we are trying to be Him.  I have said that I was trying to be the man,  what that means is simple.  I was trying to do God's job.  If He really is who I have taught and who I have said I believe He is, then my reliance on Him would have allowed me to make better choices and not try and deal with mounting issues in my own strength.  It comes back to did I really or do I really believe what the Bible says,  In the darkness at night when I lay awake and stare at the celing and talk to God do I believe that he hears me? I wish I could say that I know for sure that answer, but the Christian life is not as easy as that, at least not for me.  I struggle with things and I believe that thats a good thing.  I think the moment we stop struggling with issues of faith is the moment that we forget who we are and who God is.  We cease to be the people that God desires to have relationship with and we become Zombies for Jesus, not knowing what we believe and not willing to look at our faith and question if we are living what we read and what we say we believe. 
So did God set up my getting back in touch with Faith a year ago because He knew that I was going to mess up and end up in DC.  Was it his plan to place me here and then allow me to get in touch with people on a national level to make some impact.  I submit that that was not His plan.  I believe His plan was very different, and because of the choices that I made it had to be altered. 
That's the thing, the flaw that I see in God's personality.  He still wants to use people who are going to mess up,  He still wants us to exercise our free will and still wants us to question and struggle.  He wants us to succeed but I also think He wants us to fail, because in our failings it brings us back to the place that we recognize our utter dependence on Him, or at least we should.  It's in our times of failure that we make the ultimate choice.  Do we throw in the towel and forget about God and begin to live a life that does not live and move and have it's being in Him or do we get back to the place where we can really be used and a valuable asset to His plan not for us as individuals but for the world as a whole. 
We are to be more like Christ thats what we are supposed to be stretching toward, Jesus gave that was what he did, he gave and gave and gave and gave.  We will never be able to do that not in the same way but when we screw up and when we fall we can choose to get up or we can choose to turn away and live for ourself. 
I think that God let me get back in touch with Faith because he realized that humans need relationship and need to be reminded of things that keep them in right relationship. I think that the possible benifit is not because God planned on me not being at Harvest but because God looks down and says "well Aaron made another mistake, he has repented and is working through it and I am not done with him in the grand scheme of things so lets see how he does with this.  Lets see if he finally realizes that I am the one that can be there to meet all his needs according to my power and riches and glory. "  Its not that God wanted me in the DC area, it's that God wants me to be a part of the plan of salvation.  He wants me to be a part of making a differnce in the world and since I messed up where He put me He is giving me another chance in a new place to see if I finally get it...
I pray I do.