Losing it all

In the past 4 weeks I have lost a lot. Not everything, I still have my family but I have lost everything else. J has said that she misses the guy she knew in college, this has been something she has said for a while. I miss him too but figure he's pretty much gone for good. I feel like wood inside, hollow is not even a good word for it just wodden and rotten. Day's roll into each other. The mornings are the worst, actually today is worse than the others. I should be heading home right now after, tomorrow will be worse. I don't even want to go to church. A friend in Ohio asked me how my faith was. Well my faith in my salvation is fine, it's the other stuff that I'm just not sure about. I have very little faith in other stuff. Frank said that because there was a job posting that went up the day J and I were looking at things in Ohio it must be God. I used to think things like that were God but I don't any more. Perhaps thats a bad thing, it could be that because I'm having trouble believing that He would work like that for me it will jinx it.

Anger is there, it's pretty deep and it's mostly directed at myself but there is a measure to go to others, still not much the majority goes to me. It will for a long time. Right now I have to find some kind of Job and pray that J finds one so I can get back to school.

Ministry is over, I won't be doing it any more. I just can't. The one thing I'm good at and because of my stupidity and failure to ask for help when I needed it I will never do it again.