Bah Humbug

It will come as no suprise that I am not at all looking forward to Christmas this year.  I was not looking forward to Thanksgiving either, but that's just the way it is.  Probably the way it will be for quite a while. 
I just can't get into Christmas everything in every aspect of the holiday reminds me of all that was lost. 
Pride is an intersting thing.  It's okay to be proud of your child when they do great in sports, or in school or what have you.  It's great to be proud at a great sense of accomplishment, like when I make bread that turns out.   Those are good things to be proud of.  Then there is the pride that comes from being human and thinking that you are the end all be all. There is the pride that comes from saying you have to take care of all the issues and problems that come your way all alone.  That you have to be able to do it all and if one of the plates fall or if the dominos get knocked over before completion it's all your fault.  This has been my issue for a long time.  I have this inate need to be able to do it all and take care of it all and be it all.  I know what this means.  I know the person who's place I'm attempting to take when this happens.  I get it, all of it, I have taught it and implemented it and told others about it.  I think thats the worst part about it.  I have taught and said all the things that people have said to me.  I have sat in an office with a person and told them that "all things work for the good"  I have said that God has a reason and a purpose even if it doesn't make sense to you.  I have said that God can still use you he is the God of continual chances.  If you would like to debat me on that one it's fine but he has to give us more than two,  look at his chosen people in Exodus and Leviticus, and and and.   He is the God of chances not just the second chance. 
I know all of this, and at one point I belived it.  I guess there is a part of me that still does believe it to some extent, however there is also a huge part of me that says all that is great and sounds good and makes sense when things are going well for me.  See it's easy to say things like that when life is where you think it should be.  It's easy to pop off Bible verses, and religious sayings when you are doing well but do we think of the person we are saying them too.  I used to think I did, but now I'm not so sure.  Now sitting on the recieving end of well meaning people who I am sure care about me and my family I just want to say talk about anyting but God. Talk about anytihng but his will for my life or any of that.  Here goes the big one thats going to draw some fire but hey.  I dont care about the reason for the season.  Don't get me wrong I am eternally greatful for the fact that Jesus came down and became one of us and died for me, but I have to tell you that remembering He is the greatest gift of all does nothing for me when I walk into walmart and see things that I would like to give my girls and can't.  When I walk into a store and think wow woudln't it be great to get that for J for Christmas.   See I know Jesus is what Christmas is all about.  But it's more than that.  For me it is. 
So Bah Humbug, I dont even want to listen to Christmas music.