What people think they know

The thing is when there is a problem anywhere that deals with people, and when those people don't know the story or hear things but don't really listen the problem that occurs is people begin to talk about things and soon the soap opera starts. Like right now. It gets blown up even bigger than it is, I'm not saying that this is small, if you were living in the middle of it right now you would think it was huge. But things are said on a regular basis by people to put it in perspective. I just hate that there are people talking about things that they don't know for sure. I think my favorite was that I have an E-Bay account that I was selling things on. Someone just came up with that one and told it to people. Thats just not right but it is the nature of the beast and I know that. I find things out all the time it seems and I learn things that I had not a clue about. Another one is that the people that were "helping me," or were on my side told others that they felt like I used them, saying their words but not really feeling it. There is a problem with this and I'll explain it. Yes I did use their words, because thats what they were supposed to be doing they were supposed to be helping me know how to communicate with others. It doesn't discount the fact that I felt all the things they wanted I just did what I thought was supposed to be done, listen to the men who were "Helping." The worst part about all of it is, if I had just had J in there she could have done what they were trying so much better. I suck at appologies and saying I'm sorry, I'm not sure why I mean the sorrow and I mean the appology but It comes off as less than sincere. I wish it were otherwise but it isn't.

Anyway it's all over and there is no hope of restoration, even though that is what people kept saying. I realize that it's something we say because it's what is supposed to be able to happen, a Biblical concept that we say we believe in but that we really ignore.

Who am I

I think this is the one question that has plagued me for the past 3 weeks. I am not sure any more. I have just given up trying to figure it out to be honest. I just want to move on with life. I really hope J gets a second interview in Campble. Getting away from Milwaukee and all that it is is really what I want to do. I want to get in school and get on with the teaching degree so I can get away from the feelings, anger, and resentment. Still have zero desire to set foot in any type of church. I just dont feel like it.

the worst

Graheahhehehehehehehheheheehehaf. Thats the best approximation of what I am feeling right now. I would go outside and scream but it would freak people in the neighborhood out so I will just do what I always do and scream on the inside and stuff my feelings.

Sunday's are really hard. Not the the other day's are easy, but Sundays make me realize the extreme loss.

reign over me

Music has always been a huge part of my life. Several months ago when life was very different and I was living my dream not tossing and turning in this nightmare I watched a move called Reign on Me.

I have always been a fan of The Who and Quadrephinea has a song in it that is the title song of the movie. I loved it then and have listened to it a lot in the past 2 weeks, even putting it on repeat while I was filling out forms online.

The story in the rock opera is of a young man who looses everthing and runs to the sea and sings this song where he screams at Heaven asking Love to Reign on him. He is screaming at the sky I can't even seem to do that.

For Sale

For sale broken youth pastor. 10 plus years experience.

I thought of posting this somewhere but realized that no one wants a broken youth pastor. Not many people want a broken anything except God, and right now I just don't know. I told J that I would do anything for things to be reversed, and I would. It just doesn't matter.

It's hard to realize that the thing that you have worked all your life for is no longer an option for you. People have said all kinds of things in the past few weeks, from you'll be fine, to when the dust settles you will be back at it. The thing is while it's what I am and what I'm best at, they don't get the reality of the whole situation. I won't be back at it for several reasons. There are the obvious ones, but there are also the logical ones.

In September I'm going to be 35. The average youth pastor is in his or her 20's. With the experience comes a bit more need as far as salary goes add to that they 2 kids that I have and the wife and well thats just it.

Plus I can't do it any more not to my family, not to myself, not to another group of students. So it's back to the drawing board. The thing is, I know what is going to happen, I know I'm just going to function. I hate that but it's the way it is. I'll do what I have to do and I'll do my best plus at it. The work a holic in me will keep pushing but it wont be me. Thats the worst part of this whole thing. But hey I have taught that things are not easy and that consequences are there and while we are forgiven and while God loves us and will see us through anything the consequence still has to be lived out.

drowning

I am not sure if I have ever felt this alone before in my life. I miss so much, I just hate where I am. I hate what has brought me here, and dare I say it I hate the way some people have just wrote me off.

I am afraid, truly afraid for the first time in a very long time. I am not necessarily afraid of the obvious things though. I don't like the way I feel about God at this point. I don't like the way I feel about leaders that I know. I hate the way I feel about myself, and yet I am not sure how to change that. It most likely won't change any time soon.

Someone spoke of breaking my will but not my spirit. Well the worst part of this whole thing is that I am totally broken and I can't find myself. I Can't find happiness, I can't find peace, I can't find my way. I just want to crawl under a rock somewhere and be left alone, but I want to have someone reach out and touch me.

Thats the worst, I am craving touch and I can't initiate it. I can hug my girls but thats not what I want, and no it's not even remotely sexual touch that I'm thinking of, It's fingers interlaced with mine, it's more than a back in bed, it's a hand on my leg as I drive.

I am pretty close to hating me at this point. That's the worst of it. I have never hated my self, I have been angry at myself, I have been sorry, I have been disapointed but I just can't get over this loathing of myself. It's the worst part of this whole thing, I have spoken of the old Aaron being gone or hard to find. It's not just hard to find it's non existent.

I hate church or the thought of church. I know I need to get the girls there but I don't want to, I don't want to go myself. I read the Bible and I look for comfort but it just doesn't come.

A couple of nights ago I told God he had to show me something good, anything to let me know He's still there and still holds me in His hand, He did that, at least I think he did but I'm not so sure now. Thats another thing. I used to be so sure of when I heard what God was saying, now I don't even know if He was speaking to me at all. How many times have I made my voice His?

I keep thinking of Peter, denying Christ three times. Each time a bit more emphatically each time with more intensity. I think of His restoration and how he became the person that God used to start the church, and then I think of Paul having to rebuke Him. The worst part of all of this is not wanting to be restored. I have never felt this alone. I know I have said that before but it is the biggest thing that I'm feeling right now.

Years ago I watched this movie called the Never Ending Story. Fairy tale stuff I know but it in the bad guy as it were was called the nothing, it ate entire worlds, unraveling the world as we know it. I feel like the nothing has been through my personal world. The inside of Aaron and has sucked everything that is away and just left me to deal with this empty dead shell. It's not even about being dead to myself. It's more than that.

please...

Getting back to it

I have lost sight of things in 14 years of marriage. I have lost sight of the partner that I have and somehow have forgotten how much she is here as a help mate. God said it's not good for man to be alone so I will make him someone to help him. Then why do I try and do things alone. I'm not sure. I know I'm supposed to cover her and keep her safe but she can do some of the same things for me if I will let her. That's what I have to start doing, letting her help me. I don't know what is going to happen but I do know that I want her to be a big part of it. As I look at Zoey watching caillo J asleep in bed I remember that even in this ordeal I am blessed.

Losing it all

In the past 4 weeks I have lost a lot. Not everything, I still have my family but I have lost everything else. J has said that she misses the guy she knew in college, this has been something she has said for a while. I miss him too but figure he's pretty much gone for good. I feel like wood inside, hollow is not even a good word for it just wodden and rotten. Day's roll into each other. The mornings are the worst, actually today is worse than the others. I should be heading home right now after, tomorrow will be worse. I don't even want to go to church. A friend in Ohio asked me how my faith was. Well my faith in my salvation is fine, it's the other stuff that I'm just not sure about. I have very little faith in other stuff. Frank said that because there was a job posting that went up the day J and I were looking at things in Ohio it must be God. I used to think things like that were God but I don't any more. Perhaps thats a bad thing, it could be that because I'm having trouble believing that He would work like that for me it will jinx it.

Anger is there, it's pretty deep and it's mostly directed at myself but there is a measure to go to others, still not much the majority goes to me. It will for a long time. Right now I have to find some kind of Job and pray that J finds one so I can get back to school.

Ministry is over, I won't be doing it any more. I just can't. The one thing I'm good at and because of my stupidity and failure to ask for help when I needed it I will never do it again.