feeling bi polar

I think one of the hardest things is that I want to move on and when I feel like I am starting to it just gets all messed up. I told J today that I have never actually hated myself before, whats worse is that I am starting to feel some of that towards others.
For the record.

YES I made a huge mistake. I sinned, I was wrong. I am a horrible person, I recognize this, I am not however evil and just so all of those individuals who are out there keep saying that if I had been a real man of God then I would not have made this mistake in the first place shut up. I have said it before and I will say it again. We all have issues that we work through every day. The problem that I am having right now is that the issue that I was having while never intended to do what it has, has pretty much screwed up my life and others as well.

I also feel bad, I have heard it said that there are people at the church that feel bad, that are saying that this is so hard on them and that it's difficult. This is again one of those things that bugs me about me. I say Good. I'm glad it's hard for you if your reading, it's hard for me too. It's very hard for me. I put myself here but so did some of you.

Communication. This all comes down to it. People just dont do that any more, and it sucks.

Anyway I know that we will be ok eventually, and please dont tell me that you don't desire this to be the end of Aaron because as most individuals who are involved in minstry and in life know this is the end of Aaron. This is it there is no more ministry for me. I want to make that clear. In fact I don't know what there is for me any more. I am unhirable as far as I'm concerned. I want something but have no idea what that could or may be.

I feel totally and completely alone. I HATE that.