rebuilding

I think one of the hardest things that is happening is this need to rebuild. I have to rebuild who I am and I am not sure what that looks like. I told J the other night that I have never not known who I am. I have also never lacked confidence, but now I just don't know. I have good days and then I have days that just suck.

It comes down to the fact that I have to give up what I was and really give it up, which is what makes going to church so difficult. I am good at what I do. It's a gift, but I realize something else. I'm like the Prodigal son. I squandered what was given to me. In doing so I have come back and I want to just be a slave and I don't think I can accept more than that. Even if God offered me more I would say no because I don't deserve it. Which is stupid and self righteous I know but still it's because I just don't know what else to do or say. I know I'm pretty depressed. Which makes it even worse, I can tell the depression is there because I just exist a lot of the time. I'm trying to open up and talk more to my family and it's just not something I know how to do very well. I have been an island for so long trying to "shield" and "protect" and "be the man" that I just have a hard time going back to what I was before.

I just miss interaction is all, it's very hard and I don't know how to fix it, which is fine because trying to fix things on my own is what got me here in the first place.

We may go see dan zane this weekend. One of the cool things about DC is that so many things are free because they are govt subbed for everyone. There is an art thing at the Kenedy Center complex and we are going to take the girls. Ride the train into the city and just chill. It's cheaper to ride the train in than try and park somewhere, and with the park and ride lots free on saturdays it makes total sense to drive to a metro station park and then do a couple of train transfers. We tried it this past Sat to go to the Smithsonian but if anyone was watching any type of news they know that it was torrential here so we all squished our way through the african art museam and the Jim Henson exhibit and then had lunch on the train instead of on the mall like I wanted to.

Still it was fun and I'm sure soon I will be able to laugh about things and in things like that.

hit me up if you want I love comments they are a connection at least a bit of one