depression

I recognize what is happening and I can't seem to do anything about it. I know that I'm suffering from depression. Have been for months now. I am not sure what it is. Sometimes I feel Bi Polar but instead of manic fazes I have happy fazes, and then I dip down in to depression fazes. It's Sunday morning and I feel like I could cry. I got awake at 5:30 or so thinking that I had to get things together for Collision. No reason to do that ever again. It hits me a lot that I will never be a youth pastor again. I am praying that God will enable me to make my peace with it. I feel like some hyper faith name it and claim it guy on occasion just because I tell myself and everyone else that I am ok with it but I'm not not deep down deep down i'm angry and I hate and I scream at me for being such and ass hole.

Closing the Door

Well it's time, time to close the door on Harvest forever. I knew it and have been trying but the time has come to succeed. To that end I have been doing a lot of editing of social networking sights and of email address books and such. If you are from Harvest, and you read my blog please do not be offended by this. If you ask to be my friend on facebook I most likely will decline, it is not because of you personally, it is because I have to move away and on and thinking about the people that we love and care about and hearing what is going on in their lives makes me realize how much I have lost and how awful of a person I was to have made such a huge mistake. Yes I am calling it a mistake, no matter what anyone in leadership says this was not something that I intended to do.
I also dont really care much for what leadership has to say at this point. I want a response to what was sent out but if I dont get one it's fine. I'm past wisconsin and moved on from it. The door is closed, if you are still on my facebook, and you know who you are, then thanks and I will keep in touch, otherwise I wish you all the best, I pray that God prospers you in all that you do and that you are able to fulfill the mission love God, love People, serve the World.
I now say the words that so many people dont want to hear but that I must say to close the door and lock it.

Good Bye

Searching for what?

It's been quite an interesting few months. Leaving full time ministry forever is one of those things that you have to get used to, well you dont have to get used to it unless you are one of the pastors that reads this, but it's different. I know I won't ever do it again full time reaching into students lives, coming up with crazy events and insanity months and yearly reports to a church. It's strange, but after the last few days I have come to a conclusion that I'm not as upset about it as I was. I have looked at what churches seem to be today and realized that many of them are not reaching where they need to, thats not to say that I don't think the church I was at was or is bad, this is not a judgement call on that church so if you are from up there and you are reading this dont think I'm just mad about the situation, I'm talking about the church in general.
I am looking for a church for the family and it's just not working. I want us to be in a place that we can grow in and that the Kids can enjoy, that realizes that there is a very real part of the gospel that is social, but that maintains the importance of the personal relationship with God that is important to our eternal disposition. 
The idea that Jesus was pretty close to a socialist in theory, but was also interested in the individual as well as the masses is huge in my heart and mind. I know this will make people question my faith but what of it.  If we are not questioning things we are not actively learning and God wants us to grow in our relationship with him and in our knowledge of His word and it's power in life.

a place of worship

well we went back to CLC yesterday, which stands for Christian Life Center. Amberly loves the Childrens program and Zoey does fine in the nursery but J and I just didn't like it at all. The people are nice, it's an awesome blended congregation which is something we have always wanted but we found it somewhat lacking in the preaching department. I want more than a few scriptures and shouting, plus the fact that one individual asked where the sons of thunder were in order to hype the people up. Then he said that they were called the sons of thunder because Jesus renamed them that and it was a good thing. Having just finished an extensive study of the disciples this was not the case. It was not a good thing it had to do with their tempers. I hate that know what you are talking about if you are going to reference it from the platform.

I have come to realize that this is going to be the hardship, I am very critical as it is and even more so of churches because of what I have been and what I'm good at. I'm good at teaching and preaching. I study hard for messages and do the research. I just think anyone that is going to get up in front of 800 plus people needs to do the same, and so the search continues for a place to go to grow in our walk and as a family in our faith.

grrrrr

so today i unplugged the old ipod and low and behold it says there is nothing on it. but the space that was music is used nothing short of a total reset will do. So now I have to rebuild the songs grrrrrr i say grrrrrrr

35

got awake at 5 something with Zoey, and realized well it's been in my brain a lot that i'm 35. not a big deal to some and really not that big a deal to me except that there were places i thought I would be at 35 and i'm not even close. I think thats the worst part I was wanting to be somplace different at 35.

sometimes I get awake and just think about all that I have had and all that I could have and then I think of what I do have and I'm greatful. I have a great family, all three of my girls are my world now, in fact will remain my world. I Have to have it be that way, and it will be which is a good thing.

Still I wonder. What is going to come next, I know what I want to do I really felt good when I was helping the autistic students. I had a glimpse of what being salt and light outside the walls of the church can be and it doesnt' have to involve preaching or bible banging, not that I ever Bible Banged. I dont understand it.

As I move in my walk I am finding a lot more tollerance toward others and a lot less i'm right and you're wrong, even though I know some of the people that we are meeting are wrong in what they belive. Imagine growing up your entire life in a religious tradition, whatever that tradition may be and having someone come up to you and say "well I know this is what you have been taught all your life, and I know that you really believe it and I know that your entire lifetime you have been devoted to it but your wrong. The audacity of us thinking that all we need to do is tell someone of another faith that They are wrong and we are right and everything that they have believed their entire life is a lie and why not just throw it all away and belive what I belive is just stupid, especially when we dont really know what we belive, we know what our parents believed or what the church we go to says we are supposed to belive. Much better to live a life that is different, one that shows that person that they are missing something, that the happiness or contentment that we feel comes from somewhere other than a job or money or family but a deeper place. Build that relationship and then the dialog can happen, and in that dialog the chance to say that the difference is the walk with God that we have, a personal walk not chained to a list of do's and dont's, in fact not chained at all but full of freedom to live and move and be who we are who we were made to be. Realizing that if this is the walk that we are in we will want to please Him and be like Him, realizing that when we mess up we dont' have to run from it but embrace it and repent of it and ask for help with moving away from it and into a new life.

This is what has been missing and this is what I'm going to strive for.

Anyway 35 isn't so bad, I dont feel much different than I did yesterday. Course it's still kinda dark out so who knows.

rebuilding

I think one of the hardest things that is happening is this need to rebuild. I have to rebuild who I am and I am not sure what that looks like. I told J the other night that I have never not known who I am. I have also never lacked confidence, but now I just don't know. I have good days and then I have days that just suck.

It comes down to the fact that I have to give up what I was and really give it up, which is what makes going to church so difficult. I am good at what I do. It's a gift, but I realize something else. I'm like the Prodigal son. I squandered what was given to me. In doing so I have come back and I want to just be a slave and I don't think I can accept more than that. Even if God offered me more I would say no because I don't deserve it. Which is stupid and self righteous I know but still it's because I just don't know what else to do or say. I know I'm pretty depressed. Which makes it even worse, I can tell the depression is there because I just exist a lot of the time. I'm trying to open up and talk more to my family and it's just not something I know how to do very well. I have been an island for so long trying to "shield" and "protect" and "be the man" that I just have a hard time going back to what I was before.

I just miss interaction is all, it's very hard and I don't know how to fix it, which is fine because trying to fix things on my own is what got me here in the first place.

We may go see dan zane this weekend. One of the cool things about DC is that so many things are free because they are govt subbed for everyone. There is an art thing at the Kenedy Center complex and we are going to take the girls. Ride the train into the city and just chill. It's cheaper to ride the train in than try and park somewhere, and with the park and ride lots free on saturdays it makes total sense to drive to a metro station park and then do a couple of train transfers. We tried it this past Sat to go to the Smithsonian but if anyone was watching any type of news they know that it was torrential here so we all squished our way through the african art museam and the Jim Henson exhibit and then had lunch on the train instead of on the mall like I wanted to.

Still it was fun and I'm sure soon I will be able to laugh about things and in things like that.

hit me up if you want I love comments they are a connection at least a bit of one

Sunday Slump

It's 8:00 am and its sunday morning and I'm getting ready to take the family to church. This will be the first time I've been in a church in weeks. The last time I was at church was when we visited my parents on July 8th.
I don't want to go . I want to stay home and sleep the day away or go to the mall and watch the people walking their dogs and selling cheap stuff or anything but sit in a church or stand in a church or be in a church. It's not that God and I aren't talking cuz we are but I dont want to go where there are other people who talk to God. It makes no sense to me I shouldn't have an issue with it but I do. Who knows this church may be differnet or it may be the same. I guess we will find out.

they are so cool

last night I spent some time with the kids at melwood. I did a 15 minute activity with them and then met with the director over childrens and family services as well as over the supported living, poor girl has a lot to do. She wants to hire me to run the after school program. her words were she needs a creative type to set up, schedule, and run the program. I would do great at it and they seem to want to finalize as soon as possible just waiting for the drug screen. Once they get me in I can work on certifications and move up to a mangers position which just means i'll have the certifcation to do what i'm going to be doing anyway. They are creating a position for me to get me in the door so I can get those things. Funny thing is it's the same position that they want me to do just not calling it what it is because of the requirments of special certification.

I am going to check into the praxis and stuff to get moving in that direction as well.

Looking at houses at 4:30 today so do me a favor and pray that we fine something in our price range that we like. We need to get into a place of our own even though they don't mind us staying here I mind us staying here, only because of my kids, ok and because of me.

Hit me up with a comment if you so desire.

Here We Go

Tonight I am going to be finalizing things with melwood hopefully. I have to do a 15 minute activity with the autism students and then meet with the director of childrens and family services. I am excited and a bit nervous.
Messed up yet another thing in that I didn't bring the fire box with all the important stuff in it for the girls to get into school. I remembered the pink one and didn't even think of the birth cert from the other one.

4:30 is the time so if you are reading and if you are so inclined a bit of prayer would be of great help and i'm sure woudl go a long way.

Nothing to Something

I'm sitting in a basement apartment pretty close to Germantown, which is about 15 to 50 minutes from DC depending on the beltway or the metro. There's a small bathroom, a kitchen, and 2 other rooms. It's not where we are going to settle, we are looking at places every day, however it's a family that we met through J's school, actually it's a fellow teacher of J's. Today I have to get my drug test done for the job, as well as get j's stuff over to her so she can get her drivers then look at places, and find Amberly's school. They are both with me and it's hard because I'm trying to get them through the day, Zoey keeps asking to go home. Telling her we are home is just not cutting it, I don't think it will matter until we find a place which i'm hoping to do today.

This past weekend was very difficult. I just wanted to leave the in-laws because of back handed snide comments. I'm still having issues with myself and with wanting to be around myself. I do great for a while and then Sunday hits and I end up hating myself again because of the way I feel. J said I need to just shut the door and I know she's right but it's so hard to do.

Anyway I'm looking forward to hearing from maywood.

Enjoy your day and hit me with a comment no matter who you are I would like to hear thoughts and feelings.