bad dreams

Last night was bad, well not last night this morning.
I used to like dreams, I think everyone does, and if any of you know me I love being creeped out so scary dreams are fun as well.  But the bad dreams I have now are different.  They are bad because they start out with me being happy and getting things together for Collision.  I dream the message writing I dream all of it I dream setting up stuff for the meetings, I dream adult leader meetings, I dream it all.  The reason it's a bad dream is because then I wake up and I realize where I am and what I dont have and why and well it just is bad and it makes the day bad.  I get moody and morose and well it's just not good.
It would be different if I didn't care about the people and all that but the bottom line is I do.  It makes it harder because of all of that.  Imagine dreaming of the best thing in the world, what you have always wanted and desired and then imagine it brining you down to a place of depression.  Thats the thing that stinks.  The depression associated with the whole thing.  I was good at something, really good at it, no matter what anyone says I hold onto that but being good at it makes it even harder.  If I had been bad at it, if I just sat in a desk chair and gave the minimum effort it would be different.

Ah well nothing I can do about it.  I know this and so I have to live with the good days and the bad ones.  I have to think about what the people up there think and believe about me.  I have this delusion that will never happen and even if it did would they want me around.  I fear I know the answer.  Well I do know the answer, which makes it even worse.  I hate the idea that people ah well why dwell on it.  Anyway thats all for today.  I think I'll go back to my thoughts and see if I can get working on another chapter in the book.