depression

I recognize what is happening and I can't seem to do anything about it. I know that I'm suffering from depression. Have been for months now. I am not sure what it is. Sometimes I feel Bi Polar but instead of manic fazes I have happy fazes, and then I dip down in to depression fazes. It's Sunday morning and I feel like I could cry. I got awake at 5:30 or so thinking that I had to get things together for Collision. No reason to do that ever again. It hits me a lot that I will never be a youth pastor again. I am praying that God will enable me to make my peace with it. I feel like some hyper faith name it and claim it guy on occasion just because I tell myself and everyone else that I am ok with it but I'm not not deep down deep down i'm angry and I hate and I scream at me for being such and ass hole.