The First Time

I picked up a game controller for the first time in weeks on Thursday. Amberly wanted to play a game with daddy. Mario Kart and Wii Play. As soon as she was finished playing I was too. Just shut it down, I couldn't get into it.
I told J I thought it would be great if you could get a picture of someones face and super impose it into the game on the bad guys. Childish yes but it would be really cool. So I tried again last night and it worked. I actually played for a bit and enjoyed getting lost in a different type of world for a bit. The problem is while it was good to play it was also sort of hollow for me. Games are something that I enjoyed especially because they offered a point of connection with students, it's hard to want to play them with no students to discuss them with or to play them with.
The thing is when your life revolved around what you are and when that thing is taken away your life holds very little meaning.
I think one of the hardest parts of all of this is Ohio would have been such an easy answer, except when we went there I kind of knew that it wasn't going to happen. Why can't it just be the easy thing. So now we are looking all over. We are looking south, Florida and NC, I kinda want her to check TX and Arizona as well. But we will see. Once we know where a job is I can find a school and get back to becoming a contributing member.
Last night was so hard for me. Getting diapers with change and at the checkout Amberly just wanted a 99 cent pack of cookies. I so wanted to hand it to her dads are supposed to be able to do that for their kids and here we are. I can't and it's my fault that I can't. Just another reason to feel the way I do about myself.
I am dreading tomorrow I hate Sunday's because I really don't want to set foot into a church. I need to but I have no desire to. I feel like when I go out everyone is looking at me with either disgust or with pitty. I hate both of them.