DC

Having finally made it to the DC area I got to see J and tomorrow I get to see my kids. Had an interview today that was supposed to last 30 minutes and ended up going an hour plus. If I can get a certain certification I can get a better position, the recruitment specialist was extremely excited about me and wanted other people at the company to meet me. During the interview I realized something, I have always sold myself short. I am good at what I do, I am a great leader and I can build a team and reach into peoples lives. I don't have to reach into those lives in a church. There are other great opportunities that I need to take.
I have said over and over that ministry needs to be outside the walls of the church, so why did I think that I had to minister in the walls. My eyes were opened to day at this interview for the first time to the very real and awesome possibility of being salt and light in the world, instead of trying to make other people want to be salt and light. I am not knocking the church, I am good at youth ministry, but it's time to move past it. I will continue to write, get these articles submitted and we will find a church to attend but it is time for me to move on.

I was excited at this interview, excited because someone saw me as desirable for a job helping others. I was very candid about what I would and wouldn't do and also very candid about purchasing. I told her that it is not someting that I will do that I will have someone else do all purchasing if I am given the position. She was totally fine with this.

Why does it take humanity so long to learn what important? Why do we have to learn the hard way. I did. It took forever to learn and now that I have learned I'm going to take it to the grave.

one day more

I am happy that tomorrow I load the truck and Tuesday I can pull out of Wisconsin. I miss my family terribly, it's been over a week since I have seen them. Zoey actually talked to me last night on the phone, well sort of. I cried and she said daddy cryin. Her words are so much clearer now than they were.

Today is going ok have sold servarl things and am hoping to sell more. I am praying that someone will buy the amp head and the computer. That will be a big help. If the Trampoline sells it will be even better thats a big chunk of change. Well not big, not even close to what we paid for it but still we have gotten a good amount of use from it and we can always buy another one when things are back on solid ground.

I'm excited about blue sky but also a little bit frightened. Who knows what will happen.

The sooner i can get out of here the happier I will be.

nailed it

well that audition finally went through, at least the first part at least 30 different voices in 20 minutes. They want me to come and watch the shows and see what i think of it but it looks very promising. if you're reading and if you are the praying type please do so for us as we are still trying to find a place to live. there are some promising leads but they are just that leads and nothing more at this point.

when is it enough?

I have come to realize that things do not always go the way they are supposed to. As everyone who as been reading knows things have been pretty bad for the Newell's. I take responsiblity as eveyrone also knows but when is it enough. Thats what I keep asking God. Here's why. Everything that has happened people know about. On top the brown car needed new breaks before J could leave. 500 bucks, the red car needed a new muffler before I can leave 500 bucks. Trying to find a place to live with zero money. Yea thats a big one. We need help but no one we know can help us with this, and the icing on the cake as it were, and that is not meant at all in a disrespectful manner, my dad called this evening and told me that my uncle passed away. I am hoping to be able to get to Youngstown for the funeral, however it is all going to depend on what happens here with the move and when the funeral is.

So again I ask.

WHEN IS IT ENOUGH?

call backs

yesterday I told all of you about the whole puppet thing, and the adoption thing. Well it seems that the puppet thing is closer to working out than I thought would be possible. You know how it is one of those wow wouldn't this be a cool job but I dont really have any real chance of doing it. I got a call back last night. Talked to the director for quite a while and have a script on laptop that will be used to work on character voices so the he can see my range. I have always wanted to be a person who could get paid to perform and while it's not me in front of people it's me behind a stage in front of people. I'm very excited. Still not ruling out the adoption thing. I am very willing to do that as well, as most people may or may not know adoption is dear to my heart so that would be a great thing to be able to do as well. It just would be really cool if I could do the puppet thing. I would have a blast and make much needed money as well.

Still waiting to hear your votes in the matter.

puppet master or adoption worker

Sent a few resume's out today and got 2 bites. They couldn't be more different. One is actually and audition for a profeessional puppet team. They have preformed at the Kenedy center and everything I think that would be fun and hope it could move to working on sessame street. Go figure lol. The other is working for an adoption agency. Something near to my heart because of the fact that we adopted Amberly. Who knows whats going to happen but if you're reading hit me up with which one you think I would be better at.

alone

I think one of the most interesting aspects of this whole thing is the fact that I have been feeling alone and now I am alone. J and the Girls got the first leg of the journey done safely and are starting the second or have started the second she will call when they get there, then it's on to the DC area. HOpe she can find a good place to live. Things are incredibly tight right now but hey i'm sure everyone knew that and some are probably happy about it. I'm not but who cares. I got cards to send to them all and hope to get things done so that I can see them again. I dont do well without my girls all three of them.

lightening the load

Ok so I'm amazed as I sit here looking at boxes at how much stupid stuff we moved when we came here. J and I collectivly have gotten rid of tons of stuff that we packed in boxes or just left in boxes and never even looked at.

I am so glad to be rid of some of it. It's just so much extra baggage.

Now if I could just find a way to get rid of the mental baggage and emotional stuff I will be getting somewhere.

will it get better

I thought I had turned a corner but I guess it was just an S curve. I'm curious as to when if ever it will get better.

I have never felt this much hate in my life.

feeling bi polar

I think one of the hardest things is that I want to move on and when I feel like I am starting to it just gets all messed up. I told J today that I have never actually hated myself before, whats worse is that I am starting to feel some of that towards others.
For the record.

YES I made a huge mistake. I sinned, I was wrong. I am a horrible person, I recognize this, I am not however evil and just so all of those individuals who are out there keep saying that if I had been a real man of God then I would not have made this mistake in the first place shut up. I have said it before and I will say it again. We all have issues that we work through every day. The problem that I am having right now is that the issue that I was having while never intended to do what it has, has pretty much screwed up my life and others as well.

I also feel bad, I have heard it said that there are people at the church that feel bad, that are saying that this is so hard on them and that it's difficult. This is again one of those things that bugs me about me. I say Good. I'm glad it's hard for you if your reading, it's hard for me too. It's very hard for me. I put myself here but so did some of you.

Communication. This all comes down to it. People just dont do that any more, and it sucks.

Anyway I know that we will be ok eventually, and please dont tell me that you don't desire this to be the end of Aaron because as most individuals who are involved in minstry and in life know this is the end of Aaron. This is it there is no more ministry for me. I want to make that clear. In fact I don't know what there is for me any more. I am unhirable as far as I'm concerned. I want something but have no idea what that could or may be.

I feel totally and completely alone. I HATE that.

Telephone

Years ago I played this game called telephone, I'm sure everyone has played it, someone starts a sentance and then it goes around the circle and comes back out and it's usually all messed up.

There are times that I feel like i'm in a big game of telephone right now. Here's the thing I would rather those people who read my blog and have comments about what is on it or what I am saying or what I am feeling post to the blog. If it's encouragement cool, if it's a desire to rip a hole in my side and yell at me, great you would be amazed how theraputic that can be. If it's just to ask questions about what is happening and where we are heading thats fine too. The thing is talking this way is great because there is no way anyone can say but this is what he said and this is what I said and things stay open because everyone can just pop on the old rants page and see what everyone else is saying and what I am saying. No hiding that way. So here it is I'm actually telling all those out there in wanting to know whats going on and what is aaron thinking land it's open season. No permit needed just fire away. I promise I will reply probably through the blog, I do not promise that you will like what I say or that you will not like what I say just that I will keep posting what I am thinking and feeling, which is what I have been doing anyway.

feelin it

Today was the last day of swimming lessons. One thing I can say that I wont miss will be the freezing cold that is swimming pool water in Milwaukee. It never got warm from the first day of lessons until now it remained cold. Which reminded me that wow we can still feel even when life sucks.
The past few days have been especially hard because I am remember what we were doing this time last year and realinzing that we are doing that again already and all because of me again makes me sad.
I have done pretty well these past few days not getting sick I mean I have started to shut down at different points but I remind myself that it was my actions that put me here and that I need to man up and so I just ignore it. This is different though this is like sick, stomach hurt and all that feeling really crappy. Not a good time for this to have happened, with all the stuff that is going on. Still I will live, it's like John Mayer says boys soldier on, and no for those of you who have been reading and want to say that I'm slipping back into the must take care of it thing thats not what I mean. I just mean that I'll live and do what I must. Friday is going to suck because of what it is and because J has to leave early and she will ahve the kids and after it's all over i'll be alone to get stuff done but still it will be really difficult. Least I won't have to go to Church lol.

picking up speed

We have been riding our bikes a lot lately. Amberly and J both ride and then I ride with Zoey in a seat on the back. Adding 35 lbs to the ride makes things a bit more difficult. Especially the hills. One thing that I have noticed is that when I have to peddle up the hills with Zoey on my bike it's hard. I grunt a lot and pump really hard, and eventually get up the hill. The thing is what goes up must come down and the work of getting up the hill can and is rewarded with a coast down the hill... eventually. It's the coasting down that makes it fun and sometimes scary.

The past few weeks have been a lot of pumping, and while there is more pumping to come, more hills to climb I think that they are starting to level off, and I am beginning to see and feel the coasting part. Not a lot mind you but I can finally actually see the end of the tunnel.

I pray that it won't be forever to get there. The move is exciting and frightening all together. I am really excited about the prospects and pray that God will open doors and all that stuff.

breathing in and out

I have gotten to the point in life where I realize that breathing in and out is all that a person can do. The frightening thing about that is it's not even guaranteed to us. We dont know when that last breath happens, so we have to be happy and thankful to God for even the ability to breath. He has to help us he has to be a part of it because He's the one that holds humanity in His hands. Notice I didn't say Christians in His hands I said Humanity. I said it that way on purpose. He holds everyone in his hands the problem is humans act like children and try their best to pull away from the person doing the holding. He still numbers our days not just Christians days but everyones days. He knows when that last breath is going to be drawn.
What does this have to do with whats happening. A lot actually. One of my big problems. No thats not accurate. My BIG problem is that I am a person who feels he has to be able to take care of everything. It's in my make up and I dont do well when it comes to getting or asking for help. I have to be able to fix it I have to be the man I have to handle things. I have to be able to all on my own take care of things. I leave the people that are the most important out of it and dont give them the chance because of some stupid prehistoric hunter gatherer mentality that makes no sense. UGG ME MAN ME FIX ALL ME NO NEED ANYONE. Except thats not true. I need people I need help I need to be a part of something I have been in the past but I can't do the whole I'll fix it because I end up not fixing it. It's amazing how much pride causes all the problems in the world. People say that sin started with Adam and Eve. I say sin started with PRIDE. It all comes down to it and because of our pride ok wait because of my pride I was unable to ask for help and was unable to be the man that God wanted me to be.
So for all those that are reading the old angst filled rants from Aaron. I ask that you forgive me for the pride that has caused me to be in this position and you as well.

Here We Go

Well it's Sunday morning. I am going to go to church, even though I don't want to. I just don't like the thought of being looked at and whispered about.

I want this to be over and I want to go back and re-do things and I want to be restored to who I am and who I was and this can not ever happen and it makes me angry at myself and at the people who are pushing for the breaking that they have helped to cause.

I have never felt this way about one particular person in my entire life, and I hate that I feel that way but it just won't go away. I can't believe it, I can't even bring myself to pray for the person. I know that is part of what is going on but I have never loathed anyone more than myself before.

The First Time

I picked up a game controller for the first time in weeks on Thursday. Amberly wanted to play a game with daddy. Mario Kart and Wii Play. As soon as she was finished playing I was too. Just shut it down, I couldn't get into it.
I told J I thought it would be great if you could get a picture of someones face and super impose it into the game on the bad guys. Childish yes but it would be really cool. So I tried again last night and it worked. I actually played for a bit and enjoyed getting lost in a different type of world for a bit. The problem is while it was good to play it was also sort of hollow for me. Games are something that I enjoyed especially because they offered a point of connection with students, it's hard to want to play them with no students to discuss them with or to play them with.
The thing is when your life revolved around what you are and when that thing is taken away your life holds very little meaning.
I think one of the hardest parts of all of this is Ohio would have been such an easy answer, except when we went there I kind of knew that it wasn't going to happen. Why can't it just be the easy thing. So now we are looking all over. We are looking south, Florida and NC, I kinda want her to check TX and Arizona as well. But we will see. Once we know where a job is I can find a school and get back to becoming a contributing member.
Last night was so hard for me. Getting diapers with change and at the checkout Amberly just wanted a 99 cent pack of cookies. I so wanted to hand it to her dads are supposed to be able to do that for their kids and here we are. I can't and it's my fault that I can't. Just another reason to feel the way I do about myself.
I am dreading tomorrow I hate Sunday's because I really don't want to set foot into a church. I need to but I have no desire to. I feel like when I go out everyone is looking at me with either disgust or with pitty. I hate both of them.

Restoration Peshaw

New revelations seem to happen all the time. I'm really pretty upset about things that I"m finding out now. Things that are being said and the way people are doing what always seems to happen.
When I hear that people who was supposed to be helping me now are saying that they feel used. When I hear that people are talking about things without all the facts. When I hear that they are all about restoration and then I see their actions and I sit here trying to figure out how to feed my family and how to make things ok for my kids. I get more and more angry. Angry at myself and angry at them.
I guess it just doesn't matter. We are looking for work we are trying to figure things out and I am trying