35

got awake at 5 something with Zoey, and realized well it's been in my brain a lot that i'm 35. not a big deal to some and really not that big a deal to me except that there were places i thought I would be at 35 and i'm not even close. I think thats the worst part I was wanting to be somplace different at 35.

sometimes I get awake and just think about all that I have had and all that I could have and then I think of what I do have and I'm greatful. I have a great family, all three of my girls are my world now, in fact will remain my world. I Have to have it be that way, and it will be which is a good thing.

Still I wonder. What is going to come next, I know what I want to do I really felt good when I was helping the autistic students. I had a glimpse of what being salt and light outside the walls of the church can be and it doesnt' have to involve preaching or bible banging, not that I ever Bible Banged. I dont understand it.

As I move in my walk I am finding a lot more tollerance toward others and a lot less i'm right and you're wrong, even though I know some of the people that we are meeting are wrong in what they belive. Imagine growing up your entire life in a religious tradition, whatever that tradition may be and having someone come up to you and say "well I know this is what you have been taught all your life, and I know that you really believe it and I know that your entire lifetime you have been devoted to it but your wrong. The audacity of us thinking that all we need to do is tell someone of another faith that They are wrong and we are right and everything that they have believed their entire life is a lie and why not just throw it all away and belive what I belive is just stupid, especially when we dont really know what we belive, we know what our parents believed or what the church we go to says we are supposed to belive. Much better to live a life that is different, one that shows that person that they are missing something, that the happiness or contentment that we feel comes from somewhere other than a job or money or family but a deeper place. Build that relationship and then the dialog can happen, and in that dialog the chance to say that the difference is the walk with God that we have, a personal walk not chained to a list of do's and dont's, in fact not chained at all but full of freedom to live and move and be who we are who we were made to be. Realizing that if this is the walk that we are in we will want to please Him and be like Him, realizing that when we mess up we dont' have to run from it but embrace it and repent of it and ask for help with moving away from it and into a new life.

This is what has been missing and this is what I'm going to strive for.

Anyway 35 isn't so bad, I dont feel much different than I did yesterday. Course it's still kinda dark out so who knows.