six degrees

As some of you may know I am a graduate of Southestern College, now Southeastern University.  When I got there I of course met lots of people, one of wich was a girl named Faith,  she is a recent addition to the readership so I thought I would giver her a hey, anyway Faith has a cousin who lives and works in DC and is friends with a rather influential political figure.  She told her cousin that I was in need of work and he in turn talked to this individual, at least thats how I understand it.  Anyway long story short the senator or ex senator wants my resume' there may be someting for me to do that helps advocate for youth or familes or something. 
Amazing.  The thing is Faith and I had lost touch and then found each other again with Myspace a little over a year ago. 
The whole six degrees of seperation thing is intersting.  Some would say that its just coincidence, and then there are people who stick God into every aspect of life that would say it's God that put us back in touch becuase he knew in His omniscience what was going to happen and that I was going to screw things up and be where we are now, and it's all part of His master plan for Aaron.  Don't get me wrong I think that God is more than capable of doing that, I just don't think He did. 
I tend to belive that God puts choices into our lives and how we choose effects the place that we are.  I also think that he allows difficult times to test if we are really relying on Him or if we are trying to be Him.  I have said that I was trying to be the man,  what that means is simple.  I was trying to do God's job.  If He really is who I have taught and who I have said I believe He is, then my reliance on Him would have allowed me to make better choices and not try and deal with mounting issues in my own strength.  It comes back to did I really or do I really believe what the Bible says,  In the darkness at night when I lay awake and stare at the celing and talk to God do I believe that he hears me? I wish I could say that I know for sure that answer, but the Christian life is not as easy as that, at least not for me.  I struggle with things and I believe that thats a good thing.  I think the moment we stop struggling with issues of faith is the moment that we forget who we are and who God is.  We cease to be the people that God desires to have relationship with and we become Zombies for Jesus, not knowing what we believe and not willing to look at our faith and question if we are living what we read and what we say we believe. 
So did God set up my getting back in touch with Faith a year ago because He knew that I was going to mess up and end up in DC.  Was it his plan to place me here and then allow me to get in touch with people on a national level to make some impact.  I submit that that was not His plan.  I believe His plan was very different, and because of the choices that I made it had to be altered. 
That's the thing, the flaw that I see in God's personality.  He still wants to use people who are going to mess up,  He still wants us to exercise our free will and still wants us to question and struggle.  He wants us to succeed but I also think He wants us to fail, because in our failings it brings us back to the place that we recognize our utter dependence on Him, or at least we should.  It's in our times of failure that we make the ultimate choice.  Do we throw in the towel and forget about God and begin to live a life that does not live and move and have it's being in Him or do we get back to the place where we can really be used and a valuable asset to His plan not for us as individuals but for the world as a whole. 
We are to be more like Christ thats what we are supposed to be stretching toward, Jesus gave that was what he did, he gave and gave and gave and gave.  We will never be able to do that not in the same way but when we screw up and when we fall we can choose to get up or we can choose to turn away and live for ourself. 
I think that God let me get back in touch with Faith because he realized that humans need relationship and need to be reminded of things that keep them in right relationship. I think that the possible benifit is not because God planned on me not being at Harvest but because God looks down and says "well Aaron made another mistake, he has repented and is working through it and I am not done with him in the grand scheme of things so lets see how he does with this.  Lets see if he finally realizes that I am the one that can be there to meet all his needs according to my power and riches and glory. "  Its not that God wanted me in the DC area, it's that God wants me to be a part of the plan of salvation.  He wants me to be a part of making a differnce in the world and since I messed up where He put me He is giving me another chance in a new place to see if I finally get it...
I pray I do.

the amazing thing is

I posted a short comment on Thanksgiving day.  In it I used a word that is offensive to many people, at times including myself.  I want to set the record strait on a few things.

1.  I was not fired from all those churches.  I was fired from 2 churches, one of which stated that I was being freed to look for a ministry more suited to me, but yes I was let go from 2 churches.
2.  Holding grudges,  I try not to, I believe though that weather we want to admit it or not.  This is something I am working on. If you know I personally hold grudges then I am sorry that you think I'm holding a grudge against you.  We should talk about it and see why you think that way so that I can make it right.  According to the Bible if I know someone has something against me then I need to go to that person and fix it.  I'm willing but I need to know why you think that way, so that we can begin the process of making things right.
3.  God is big enough to deal with one person being angry with Him, however I have been very clear with the few people that I have had actual conversations with, when asked if I'm angry with God, I'm not.  I have fully acknowledged my part in all of this.  I do not lay this issue at God's feet.  I'm not mad at God at all.  I am mad at myself and would never presume to put myself on the same level as God at all.
4.  Getting back out there and getting a youth pastors job.  I have a family that I have to consider.  I have spent my life working for others and myself.  Thinking that the only way to minister was through youth ministry in a church.  I am really not sure any more about anything when it comes to calling, for me.  I'm sure if I were to apply all the stuff that I have learned and know I would be able to come up with a correct religious answer, the problem with proper religious answers is that they are religious and not necessarily from God or from a place of truth.
5.  I am not a person who normally goes around swearing or using offensive language, however there are times in life that you get so mad that you say things that you wouldn't normally say.  I did type a 4 letter expletive and I posted it.  I'm sorry and yes I mean sorry not being sarcastic, if it has offended anyone.  It was where I was at, and the name of my Blog is Aaron's Rants.  It's here for me to write what I'm feeling and what I'm thinking.  I may go back and semi edit the post, I haven't decided that yet.
6.  Being a 35 year old man who blogs his thoughts and feelings for the world to see, is something that I am doing on purpose.  It allows this type of thing to happen.  I am coming at this whole thing from where I am, I am writing what I am feeling and thinking and wanting and not wanting.  I am being who I am right now and I am not filtering it.  I have always tried to be a voice of realism wherever I have worked.  This will continue.  If someone in a church that would be considering me, which I don't see happening, would not want to hire me because of reading this and getting a very real picture of my past and of what I have gone through, if they want everything clean and nice and steril, then they don't want me and I don't want them.  I post this blog for myself and others to read so that I can move on and so that they can see the progress I am making.  I have done well  and made great strides, but that doesn't mean that I'm still not very sad and depressed about it.  So good I'm glad I'm being read, I'm glad that people are commenting.  Thanks for the thoughts.  I wish others would also post, who knows perhaps they will. But just remember part of this is the chance for dialog and you will get some dialog back.
Back to the grudge thing for a moment.  I guess that is the one that sits in my stomach and bothers me.  My parents were here for Thanksgiving, on Friday when my dad and I were getting gas for his car so that they could go back on Saturday, he asked what I wanted and what was going on.  I told him.  It's very simple.
I would do anything, anything at all to get a call from Harvest saying that they would like us to come back.  I would jump at it.  I would do anything they asked me to, and yes I would be the best youth pastor they have ever seen or had.  It's that simple.  I don't hold a grudge against them, I hold a grudge against me because I bought into this lie that I had to be this big man and take care of everything, and I didn't need any help from anyone.  I bought into the lie that needing help meant I was weak,  needing help means I'm human.  Too bad it took losing my dream to find that out.
Hit me back with some responses I crave the interaction.

Not Ok

I am not ok,  I am not over it, I have cried off and on this whole week most recently today.  Thanks Giving, **** that I hate this.
Hope that helps.

thanks giving and such

My parents came in for Thanks Giving.  It's nice to have them here.  It's not what I would have chosen though.
I would be somewhere else right now if I had a choice, I would do anything to go back in time.

Branching Out

Being a stay at home dad is not the easiest thing for a work a holic that has been depressed for a while, but is getting over the depression.  I am getting over it.  I am still very sad that I'm not where I was or what I was born to do and can't any more, or won't do whichever they are both the same.  Anyway this isn't a past living thing as you can see it's called branching out, so if you are reading this blog, I have no clue who is, then you know what is happening.  2 things actually.

1.  Branching out today in a new way.  I have been making all kinds of culinary things.  Some with great success and others with not so much success.  I am pleased to report though that most of the stuff is coming out pretty good.  Last week I made challah for the first time.  If you don't know what Challah is it's a Jewish Bread.  It's really good and I made 2 loaves last week.  Took them into J's school and gave some to some Jewish people who all said I got it right except for them being a bit brown.  I'll chalk the brownness up to the butter that I used to grease the pans and the egg that I brushed on them, plus our oven here seems to bake hot.  The important thing was of the 3 or so Jewish people that tried it they all liked it.  Today I made Calzones for Dinner.  It's cool making dough and then waiting for it to rise and then smelling how great the house smells when it comes out.  We haven't had them yet but they will be good I tasted the filling so i'm pretty confident.  Anyway, with all the success that I have had with bread lately, (I have made more than Challah)  I decided to go sans recipe and try and make someting differnt.  I thought wouldn't it be great to make some Italian Nacho's.  I ignored all recipes and just branched out on my own.  Put in the yeast mixed the dough with the dough hook and all that good stuff.  It sits on the back of the stove rising, (hopefully)  I think it's going to do fine If it does i'll punch it down add a bit more olive oil, let it rise and then roll em out and bake em.  I'll make sure to post a picture of them also going to post a pic of the calzones when J gets back with the camera from school.  Look for that tomorrow.

Branching out 2.  In the next few days look for an additional Blog, I know most of you that are reading, (not that i'm sure who is reading but a few of you, wish you would at least let me know if your reading even if you dont comment just a hi or read it would be great.  I'm going to post a blog specifically for my Book.  I have been working on it and would love to have some comments on some of the stuff I have written.  If you would read it or buy it or whatever.

That's it.  I am thinking of putting together a web site for the Newell's or more specifically for me to post dadisms and stuff like that.  Let me know if  you think this is a good idea as well.


Later

what now

Been a few weeks since I wrote.  I am working at just forgetting things and moving on.  I find it disconcerting that there are people that I love but don't really know what to say.  It's funny but I really have gotten to the point where I dont care about what other people from the cold north have to say.  It's just to long in coming.  When everything is finally done I think I just want to be left alone, I don't need the closure that I thought I had to have because I have realized that the closure happens when I choose to let it happen.  I just don't care what they have to say.  It isn't important enough.  What good is it going to do to read what they have to say 4 or 5 months later.
I mean dont get me wrong.   If they decide to answer back I may read what they say but at the same time I may just delete the emails without a thought.  better to move on and be with my family than trying to live in the past.
I'm sad that I'm not a youth pastor any more.  I'm good at it, but I'm good at other things, I can be anyway.
So this is it, living in the past is just bringing me down.  Thinking about what I would be doing right now, what event would be happening, what message I would be working on and what the next step would be just makes me surley.  I have to stop being surley.
Besides my liberal leanings are getting more and more pronounced and fleshed out in my mind and heart.  I want to keep it that way and I like the thought of actually being instead of teaching.  Besides Jesus was a Socialist.  I am more and more convinced of this.  Not the bad kind but he had a lot of socialist leanings.

Long time in coming

I know it's been a while since I posted I would love to say it's because all my my angst and anger has dissipated.  I guess it has a little bit but not all the way.  It will be cool to have it be all the way.  Let's see what else.  Oh yea being poor is interesting.  I mean we are not destitute but everything takes a lot more thought.  I find myself realizing how blessed we are to have what we have and how great it is that we have a place to live and food to eat.  I am taking care of my kids which is great I love that but I also want to work.  I am really hoping that working at Easted happens, as I have researched it I find that it seems to be a great fit for what I can do.  I like what they stand for as well.
Amberly is in school first grade and she's doing a great job.  I'm proud of her.

I am not looking forward to Friday but I am hoping that this will be the last time I have to go up that way for a long time.  I am working hard and praying that God lets this be it.

Hope all is well for those of you that are watching the rants.

Oh yea, church is great I really enjoy it and am looking forward to getting into a group.