Telephone

Years ago I played this game called telephone, I'm sure everyone has played it, someone starts a sentance and then it goes around the circle and comes back out and it's usually all messed up.

There are times that I feel like i'm in a big game of telephone right now. Here's the thing I would rather those people who read my blog and have comments about what is on it or what I am saying or what I am feeling post to the blog. If it's encouragement cool, if it's a desire to rip a hole in my side and yell at me, great you would be amazed how theraputic that can be. If it's just to ask questions about what is happening and where we are heading thats fine too. The thing is talking this way is great because there is no way anyone can say but this is what he said and this is what I said and things stay open because everyone can just pop on the old rants page and see what everyone else is saying and what I am saying. No hiding that way. So here it is I'm actually telling all those out there in wanting to know whats going on and what is aaron thinking land it's open season. No permit needed just fire away. I promise I will reply probably through the blog, I do not promise that you will like what I say or that you will not like what I say just that I will keep posting what I am thinking and feeling, which is what I have been doing anyway.

feelin it

Today was the last day of swimming lessons. One thing I can say that I wont miss will be the freezing cold that is swimming pool water in Milwaukee. It never got warm from the first day of lessons until now it remained cold. Which reminded me that wow we can still feel even when life sucks.
The past few days have been especially hard because I am remember what we were doing this time last year and realinzing that we are doing that again already and all because of me again makes me sad.
I have done pretty well these past few days not getting sick I mean I have started to shut down at different points but I remind myself that it was my actions that put me here and that I need to man up and so I just ignore it. This is different though this is like sick, stomach hurt and all that feeling really crappy. Not a good time for this to have happened, with all the stuff that is going on. Still I will live, it's like John Mayer says boys soldier on, and no for those of you who have been reading and want to say that I'm slipping back into the must take care of it thing thats not what I mean. I just mean that I'll live and do what I must. Friday is going to suck because of what it is and because J has to leave early and she will ahve the kids and after it's all over i'll be alone to get stuff done but still it will be really difficult. Least I won't have to go to Church lol.

picking up speed

We have been riding our bikes a lot lately. Amberly and J both ride and then I ride with Zoey in a seat on the back. Adding 35 lbs to the ride makes things a bit more difficult. Especially the hills. One thing that I have noticed is that when I have to peddle up the hills with Zoey on my bike it's hard. I grunt a lot and pump really hard, and eventually get up the hill. The thing is what goes up must come down and the work of getting up the hill can and is rewarded with a coast down the hill... eventually. It's the coasting down that makes it fun and sometimes scary.

The past few weeks have been a lot of pumping, and while there is more pumping to come, more hills to climb I think that they are starting to level off, and I am beginning to see and feel the coasting part. Not a lot mind you but I can finally actually see the end of the tunnel.

I pray that it won't be forever to get there. The move is exciting and frightening all together. I am really excited about the prospects and pray that God will open doors and all that stuff.

breathing in and out

I have gotten to the point in life where I realize that breathing in and out is all that a person can do. The frightening thing about that is it's not even guaranteed to us. We dont know when that last breath happens, so we have to be happy and thankful to God for even the ability to breath. He has to help us he has to be a part of it because He's the one that holds humanity in His hands. Notice I didn't say Christians in His hands I said Humanity. I said it that way on purpose. He holds everyone in his hands the problem is humans act like children and try their best to pull away from the person doing the holding. He still numbers our days not just Christians days but everyones days. He knows when that last breath is going to be drawn.
What does this have to do with whats happening. A lot actually. One of my big problems. No thats not accurate. My BIG problem is that I am a person who feels he has to be able to take care of everything. It's in my make up and I dont do well when it comes to getting or asking for help. I have to be able to fix it I have to be the man I have to handle things. I have to be able to all on my own take care of things. I leave the people that are the most important out of it and dont give them the chance because of some stupid prehistoric hunter gatherer mentality that makes no sense. UGG ME MAN ME FIX ALL ME NO NEED ANYONE. Except thats not true. I need people I need help I need to be a part of something I have been in the past but I can't do the whole I'll fix it because I end up not fixing it. It's amazing how much pride causes all the problems in the world. People say that sin started with Adam and Eve. I say sin started with PRIDE. It all comes down to it and because of our pride ok wait because of my pride I was unable to ask for help and was unable to be the man that God wanted me to be.
So for all those that are reading the old angst filled rants from Aaron. I ask that you forgive me for the pride that has caused me to be in this position and you as well.

Here We Go

Well it's Sunday morning. I am going to go to church, even though I don't want to. I just don't like the thought of being looked at and whispered about.

I want this to be over and I want to go back and re-do things and I want to be restored to who I am and who I was and this can not ever happen and it makes me angry at myself and at the people who are pushing for the breaking that they have helped to cause.

I have never felt this way about one particular person in my entire life, and I hate that I feel that way but it just won't go away. I can't believe it, I can't even bring myself to pray for the person. I know that is part of what is going on but I have never loathed anyone more than myself before.

The First Time

I picked up a game controller for the first time in weeks on Thursday. Amberly wanted to play a game with daddy. Mario Kart and Wii Play. As soon as she was finished playing I was too. Just shut it down, I couldn't get into it.
I told J I thought it would be great if you could get a picture of someones face and super impose it into the game on the bad guys. Childish yes but it would be really cool. So I tried again last night and it worked. I actually played for a bit and enjoyed getting lost in a different type of world for a bit. The problem is while it was good to play it was also sort of hollow for me. Games are something that I enjoyed especially because they offered a point of connection with students, it's hard to want to play them with no students to discuss them with or to play them with.
The thing is when your life revolved around what you are and when that thing is taken away your life holds very little meaning.
I think one of the hardest parts of all of this is Ohio would have been such an easy answer, except when we went there I kind of knew that it wasn't going to happen. Why can't it just be the easy thing. So now we are looking all over. We are looking south, Florida and NC, I kinda want her to check TX and Arizona as well. But we will see. Once we know where a job is I can find a school and get back to becoming a contributing member.
Last night was so hard for me. Getting diapers with change and at the checkout Amberly just wanted a 99 cent pack of cookies. I so wanted to hand it to her dads are supposed to be able to do that for their kids and here we are. I can't and it's my fault that I can't. Just another reason to feel the way I do about myself.
I am dreading tomorrow I hate Sunday's because I really don't want to set foot into a church. I need to but I have no desire to. I feel like when I go out everyone is looking at me with either disgust or with pitty. I hate both of them.

Restoration Peshaw

New revelations seem to happen all the time. I'm really pretty upset about things that I"m finding out now. Things that are being said and the way people are doing what always seems to happen.
When I hear that people who was supposed to be helping me now are saying that they feel used. When I hear that people are talking about things without all the facts. When I hear that they are all about restoration and then I see their actions and I sit here trying to figure out how to feed my family and how to make things ok for my kids. I get more and more angry. Angry at myself and angry at them.
I guess it just doesn't matter. We are looking for work we are trying to figure things out and I am trying