job hunts and stuff

Amberly is as smart as we thought.  We asked that she be tested and after a test on Monday it was determined that she is first grade material, something that we always knew.  Now we just need to get her stuff and find out the procedure.  She will be at a private school at least for this year.  The cool thing is once she is there for a year she can go to a public school and will be in second grade.  I'm glad.

Still looking for a job, melwood found someone with the right certification and decided to hire the person already available for that instead of the guy that had to get them.  Still I have a few other options that I am waiting to hear from, two of which are working for the same non profit J works for.  It would be good, because it's so close the other one is a youth advocacy thing.  Whichever would be great.  I just need to start doing something.  Not looking forward to the drive for the seventh.  Who knows.  I'm disgusted with people in WI.  So if you are reading this which I kind of doubt I have decided that your opinions mean nothing to me.  Your lack of communication is unforgivable almost. 

Lets see what else.  It's been hot well really warm but thats cool and the house is almost together all the way just have to hang some pictures and get the bedrooms sorted.

depression

I recognize what is happening and I can't seem to do anything about it. I know that I'm suffering from depression. Have been for months now. I am not sure what it is. Sometimes I feel Bi Polar but instead of manic fazes I have happy fazes, and then I dip down in to depression fazes. It's Sunday morning and I feel like I could cry. I got awake at 5:30 or so thinking that I had to get things together for Collision. No reason to do that ever again. It hits me a lot that I will never be a youth pastor again. I am praying that God will enable me to make my peace with it. I feel like some hyper faith name it and claim it guy on occasion just because I tell myself and everyone else that I am ok with it but I'm not not deep down deep down i'm angry and I hate and I scream at me for being such and ass hole.

Closing the Door

Well it's time, time to close the door on Harvest forever. I knew it and have been trying but the time has come to succeed. To that end I have been doing a lot of editing of social networking sights and of email address books and such. If you are from Harvest, and you read my blog please do not be offended by this. If you ask to be my friend on facebook I most likely will decline, it is not because of you personally, it is because I have to move away and on and thinking about the people that we love and care about and hearing what is going on in their lives makes me realize how much I have lost and how awful of a person I was to have made such a huge mistake. Yes I am calling it a mistake, no matter what anyone in leadership says this was not something that I intended to do.
I also dont really care much for what leadership has to say at this point. I want a response to what was sent out but if I dont get one it's fine. I'm past wisconsin and moved on from it. The door is closed, if you are still on my facebook, and you know who you are, then thanks and I will keep in touch, otherwise I wish you all the best, I pray that God prospers you in all that you do and that you are able to fulfill the mission love God, love People, serve the World.
I now say the words that so many people dont want to hear but that I must say to close the door and lock it.

Good Bye

Searching for what?

It's been quite an interesting few months. Leaving full time ministry forever is one of those things that you have to get used to, well you dont have to get used to it unless you are one of the pastors that reads this, but it's different. I know I won't ever do it again full time reaching into students lives, coming up with crazy events and insanity months and yearly reports to a church. It's strange, but after the last few days I have come to a conclusion that I'm not as upset about it as I was. I have looked at what churches seem to be today and realized that many of them are not reaching where they need to, thats not to say that I don't think the church I was at was or is bad, this is not a judgement call on that church so if you are from up there and you are reading this dont think I'm just mad about the situation, I'm talking about the church in general.
I am looking for a church for the family and it's just not working. I want us to be in a place that we can grow in and that the Kids can enjoy, that realizes that there is a very real part of the gospel that is social, but that maintains the importance of the personal relationship with God that is important to our eternal disposition. 
The idea that Jesus was pretty close to a socialist in theory, but was also interested in the individual as well as the masses is huge in my heart and mind. I know this will make people question my faith but what of it.  If we are not questioning things we are not actively learning and God wants us to grow in our relationship with him and in our knowledge of His word and it's power in life.

a place of worship

well we went back to CLC yesterday, which stands for Christian Life Center. Amberly loves the Childrens program and Zoey does fine in the nursery but J and I just didn't like it at all. The people are nice, it's an awesome blended congregation which is something we have always wanted but we found it somewhat lacking in the preaching department. I want more than a few scriptures and shouting, plus the fact that one individual asked where the sons of thunder were in order to hype the people up. Then he said that they were called the sons of thunder because Jesus renamed them that and it was a good thing. Having just finished an extensive study of the disciples this was not the case. It was not a good thing it had to do with their tempers. I hate that know what you are talking about if you are going to reference it from the platform.

I have come to realize that this is going to be the hardship, I am very critical as it is and even more so of churches because of what I have been and what I'm good at. I'm good at teaching and preaching. I study hard for messages and do the research. I just think anyone that is going to get up in front of 800 plus people needs to do the same, and so the search continues for a place to go to grow in our walk and as a family in our faith.

grrrrr

so today i unplugged the old ipod and low and behold it says there is nothing on it. but the space that was music is used nothing short of a total reset will do. So now I have to rebuild the songs grrrrrr i say grrrrrrr

35

got awake at 5 something with Zoey, and realized well it's been in my brain a lot that i'm 35. not a big deal to some and really not that big a deal to me except that there were places i thought I would be at 35 and i'm not even close. I think thats the worst part I was wanting to be somplace different at 35.

sometimes I get awake and just think about all that I have had and all that I could have and then I think of what I do have and I'm greatful. I have a great family, all three of my girls are my world now, in fact will remain my world. I Have to have it be that way, and it will be which is a good thing.

Still I wonder. What is going to come next, I know what I want to do I really felt good when I was helping the autistic students. I had a glimpse of what being salt and light outside the walls of the church can be and it doesnt' have to involve preaching or bible banging, not that I ever Bible Banged. I dont understand it.

As I move in my walk I am finding a lot more tollerance toward others and a lot less i'm right and you're wrong, even though I know some of the people that we are meeting are wrong in what they belive. Imagine growing up your entire life in a religious tradition, whatever that tradition may be and having someone come up to you and say "well I know this is what you have been taught all your life, and I know that you really believe it and I know that your entire lifetime you have been devoted to it but your wrong. The audacity of us thinking that all we need to do is tell someone of another faith that They are wrong and we are right and everything that they have believed their entire life is a lie and why not just throw it all away and belive what I belive is just stupid, especially when we dont really know what we belive, we know what our parents believed or what the church we go to says we are supposed to belive. Much better to live a life that is different, one that shows that person that they are missing something, that the happiness or contentment that we feel comes from somewhere other than a job or money or family but a deeper place. Build that relationship and then the dialog can happen, and in that dialog the chance to say that the difference is the walk with God that we have, a personal walk not chained to a list of do's and dont's, in fact not chained at all but full of freedom to live and move and be who we are who we were made to be. Realizing that if this is the walk that we are in we will want to please Him and be like Him, realizing that when we mess up we dont' have to run from it but embrace it and repent of it and ask for help with moving away from it and into a new life.

This is what has been missing and this is what I'm going to strive for.

Anyway 35 isn't so bad, I dont feel much different than I did yesterday. Course it's still kinda dark out so who knows.