video blogging test

I thought I may try something new.  I may see if it is possible do do a little bit of video blogging on here.  It would be kinda cool not sure I will do it all the time but once in a while may be cool.  That way there can be a line of thought rant that is just what i'm thinking without having to type it out.  The only problem is I like the process of writing it helps in gathering thoughts.  Anyway I'm looking into it see what you think and let me know.

the round headed kid and other christmas myths

Tonight I put lights on the tree as J and the gilrs spent time at the library,  this is a good thing because if anyone has read my blog lately you know what happens when extreme ammounts of frustration ensue,  If you're wondering check out Thanksgiving Days post as well as the comment left if you are the person who left it well at least you know who you are"  Anyway I'm putting the lights on and the kids are not here which is a good thing because I usually tend to lose my temper and get hurt at least once or twice dont ask it usually involves my foot stepping down on the wrong end of a piece of the tree.  Anyway as I was going through this a couple of interesting things came to mind. 

1.  I did not lose it, in fact it was a nice quiet night and I put the tree together and put the lights on and no bad thoughts at all, I also put some christmas music on which I have not wanted to do all month.  So thats a good thing as well.

2.  So listening to Harry I heard him singing a song called I come with Love.  If you haven't heard it I suggest you do.  A person who does not profess faith singing a song that so adequatly portrays what Christmas is all about really helped me gain a bit more perspective about the season.  Not saying I'm into it but this was a nice thing to hear.  Means that I still have a spot that can be softened toward the 25.  Still it also got me to thinking.

3.  Charlie Brown was a chump.  I know we all love that special, it is in fact the way I learned the Christmas Story word for word but still think about it.  It's another spot in life where mediocrity is ok.  Where doing less than the best job that can be done is rewarded because we're all ok right.  He messed it up.  He got a cruddy tree and in the end it was all ok because everyone realized that it was the thought that counted.   He thought it could be made better and linus says at the end "it's not a bad little tree"  except it was a bad little tree.  Just becuase they all sing hark the herald angels sing does not change the fact that the tree was crappy.  I know I know when they loved it and decorated it, it was fabulous but be realistic.  If there is not someting there it's not going to be put there with a song and a little "love." 

Whats this mean well to me it means all of us especially me have bought into this idea that were good enough, were smart enought and doggonnit people like us.  Well it's not so it's not the way it is.  The wisemen brought gifts of gold, francinsense, and myrrh.  These were thought out precious gifts.  Not emotional feel good gifts. 

any thoughts

oh yea

and

Bah HUMBUG

88 miles an hour

What would you do with 88 miles an hour.  I have been pondering this.  Would I relive events, would I change things, would I ignore it.  Some may say "come on Aaron it's obvious what you would do." To some extent this is true.  I would change things, but not necessarily in the way that would make my life easier right now.  Instead of going back way way back and changing things I would go back and change one aspect of my life.  One thing would be different, I would admit that I needed help.  I would partner with people instead of being an Island and not just in Ministry, I'm good at partnering with people there but in life.  I would ask for help, I would offer help, I would admit need more.  I would not try and be some big totally together person.  Thats the thing.  I wouldn't relive highschool, or college, I wouldn't do any changing like that I would just be willing to ask.  So here's your chance, what would yo do with 88 miles an hour. 

bad dreams

Last night was bad, well not last night this morning.
I used to like dreams, I think everyone does, and if any of you know me I love being creeped out so scary dreams are fun as well.  But the bad dreams I have now are different.  They are bad because they start out with me being happy and getting things together for Collision.  I dream the message writing I dream all of it I dream setting up stuff for the meetings, I dream adult leader meetings, I dream it all.  The reason it's a bad dream is because then I wake up and I realize where I am and what I dont have and why and well it just is bad and it makes the day bad.  I get moody and morose and well it's just not good.
It would be different if I didn't care about the people and all that but the bottom line is I do.  It makes it harder because of all of that.  Imagine dreaming of the best thing in the world, what you have always wanted and desired and then imagine it brining you down to a place of depression.  Thats the thing that stinks.  The depression associated with the whole thing.  I was good at something, really good at it, no matter what anyone says I hold onto that but being good at it makes it even harder.  If I had been bad at it, if I just sat in a desk chair and gave the minimum effort it would be different.

Ah well nothing I can do about it.  I know this and so I have to live with the good days and the bad ones.  I have to think about what the people up there think and believe about me.  I have this delusion that will never happen and even if it did would they want me around.  I fear I know the answer.  Well I do know the answer, which makes it even worse.  I hate the idea that people ah well why dwell on it.  Anyway thats all for today.  I think I'll go back to my thoughts and see if I can get working on another chapter in the book.

smarter than yours

Kids are an amazing thing.  The capacity to learn is pretty interesting to watch develop.  Amberly has moved into the realm of the first grader and Zoey is of course in her Stripe faze.  Don't know who Stripe is rent Gremlins and you'll find out.  I even call her stripe,  anyway back to my super smart awesome daughters.   I heard Amberly reading today.  She is sounding out words and is able to figure out what things say and how they are said.  

Zoey is a sponge as well.  Picking up on all sorts of words and phrases and putting together sentences.  In a nod to yesterdays post I'm proud of them both.  They are both amazing, oh yes and Amberly is awesome at math, lucky her I will never be able to help her with that homework when it gets past plus and minus but thats ok.  

Anyway just had to brag on my kids a bit they are awesome. 

Bah Humbug

It will come as no suprise that I am not at all looking forward to Christmas this year.  I was not looking forward to Thanksgiving either, but that's just the way it is.  Probably the way it will be for quite a while. 
I just can't get into Christmas everything in every aspect of the holiday reminds me of all that was lost. 
Pride is an intersting thing.  It's okay to be proud of your child when they do great in sports, or in school or what have you.  It's great to be proud at a great sense of accomplishment, like when I make bread that turns out.   Those are good things to be proud of.  Then there is the pride that comes from being human and thinking that you are the end all be all. There is the pride that comes from saying you have to take care of all the issues and problems that come your way all alone.  That you have to be able to do it all and if one of the plates fall or if the dominos get knocked over before completion it's all your fault.  This has been my issue for a long time.  I have this inate need to be able to do it all and take care of it all and be it all.  I know what this means.  I know the person who's place I'm attempting to take when this happens.  I get it, all of it, I have taught it and implemented it and told others about it.  I think thats the worst part about it.  I have taught and said all the things that people have said to me.  I have sat in an office with a person and told them that "all things work for the good"  I have said that God has a reason and a purpose even if it doesn't make sense to you.  I have said that God can still use you he is the God of continual chances.  If you would like to debat me on that one it's fine but he has to give us more than two,  look at his chosen people in Exodus and Leviticus, and and and.   He is the God of chances not just the second chance. 
I know all of this, and at one point I belived it.  I guess there is a part of me that still does believe it to some extent, however there is also a huge part of me that says all that is great and sounds good and makes sense when things are going well for me.  See it's easy to say things like that when life is where you think it should be.  It's easy to pop off Bible verses, and religious sayings when you are doing well but do we think of the person we are saying them too.  I used to think I did, but now I'm not so sure.  Now sitting on the recieving end of well meaning people who I am sure care about me and my family I just want to say talk about anyting but God. Talk about anytihng but his will for my life or any of that.  Here goes the big one thats going to draw some fire but hey.  I dont care about the reason for the season.  Don't get me wrong I am eternally greatful for the fact that Jesus came down and became one of us and died for me, but I have to tell you that remembering He is the greatest gift of all does nothing for me when I walk into walmart and see things that I would like to give my girls and can't.  When I walk into a store and think wow woudln't it be great to get that for J for Christmas.   See I know Jesus is what Christmas is all about.  But it's more than that.  For me it is. 
So Bah Humbug, I dont even want to listen to Christmas music.

someting in the water

Friend of mine talked about the super powers his daughter has.  I must agree with him, it's quite amazing how a 2 year old person is able to completley and utterly not just take up your day but run it into the ground.  I love both of my children but wow.  Something happens that they just go OFF.  I almost wanted to change Z's name to damien and see if her head was spinning around. 
Still managed to get the house clean and ready for us to leave.  We are headed to the inlaws for the family Christmas dinner.  I would love to say that I'm looking forward to it, but I'm not.  I already told J that if there are comments this time I will not just sit and ignore it.  Hope there are none. 
Lets see oh yea got the resume all squared away to send to mr wofford so if your the praying sort and think about it say a few for me when it get sent. 
Finally sound and music is integral in my life.  Big song lately has been by kings x called pray for me.  Don't get excited but check it out if you want to.  It's on their website I belive.  Dug penned the lyrics and I can see and relate to where he is coming from in some aspects.