when is it enough?

I have come to realize that things do not always go the way they are supposed to. As everyone who as been reading knows things have been pretty bad for the Newell's. I take responsiblity as eveyrone also knows but when is it enough. Thats what I keep asking God. Here's why. Everything that has happened people know about. On top the brown car needed new breaks before J could leave. 500 bucks, the red car needed a new muffler before I can leave 500 bucks. Trying to find a place to live with zero money. Yea thats a big one. We need help but no one we know can help us with this, and the icing on the cake as it were, and that is not meant at all in a disrespectful manner, my dad called this evening and told me that my uncle passed away. I am hoping to be able to get to Youngstown for the funeral, however it is all going to depend on what happens here with the move and when the funeral is.

So again I ask.

WHEN IS IT ENOUGH?

call backs

yesterday I told all of you about the whole puppet thing, and the adoption thing. Well it seems that the puppet thing is closer to working out than I thought would be possible. You know how it is one of those wow wouldn't this be a cool job but I dont really have any real chance of doing it. I got a call back last night. Talked to the director for quite a while and have a script on laptop that will be used to work on character voices so the he can see my range. I have always wanted to be a person who could get paid to perform and while it's not me in front of people it's me behind a stage in front of people. I'm very excited. Still not ruling out the adoption thing. I am very willing to do that as well, as most people may or may not know adoption is dear to my heart so that would be a great thing to be able to do as well. It just would be really cool if I could do the puppet thing. I would have a blast and make much needed money as well.

Still waiting to hear your votes in the matter.

puppet master or adoption worker

Sent a few resume's out today and got 2 bites. They couldn't be more different. One is actually and audition for a profeessional puppet team. They have preformed at the Kenedy center and everything I think that would be fun and hope it could move to working on sessame street. Go figure lol. The other is working for an adoption agency. Something near to my heart because of the fact that we adopted Amberly. Who knows whats going to happen but if you're reading hit me up with which one you think I would be better at.

alone

I think one of the most interesting aspects of this whole thing is the fact that I have been feeling alone and now I am alone. J and the Girls got the first leg of the journey done safely and are starting the second or have started the second she will call when they get there, then it's on to the DC area. HOpe she can find a good place to live. Things are incredibly tight right now but hey i'm sure everyone knew that and some are probably happy about it. I'm not but who cares. I got cards to send to them all and hope to get things done so that I can see them again. I dont do well without my girls all three of them.

lightening the load

Ok so I'm amazed as I sit here looking at boxes at how much stupid stuff we moved when we came here. J and I collectivly have gotten rid of tons of stuff that we packed in boxes or just left in boxes and never even looked at.

I am so glad to be rid of some of it. It's just so much extra baggage.

Now if I could just find a way to get rid of the mental baggage and emotional stuff I will be getting somewhere.

will it get better

I thought I had turned a corner but I guess it was just an S curve. I'm curious as to when if ever it will get better.

I have never felt this much hate in my life.

feeling bi polar

I think one of the hardest things is that I want to move on and when I feel like I am starting to it just gets all messed up. I told J today that I have never actually hated myself before, whats worse is that I am starting to feel some of that towards others.
For the record.

YES I made a huge mistake. I sinned, I was wrong. I am a horrible person, I recognize this, I am not however evil and just so all of those individuals who are out there keep saying that if I had been a real man of God then I would not have made this mistake in the first place shut up. I have said it before and I will say it again. We all have issues that we work through every day. The problem that I am having right now is that the issue that I was having while never intended to do what it has, has pretty much screwed up my life and others as well.

I also feel bad, I have heard it said that there are people at the church that feel bad, that are saying that this is so hard on them and that it's difficult. This is again one of those things that bugs me about me. I say Good. I'm glad it's hard for you if your reading, it's hard for me too. It's very hard for me. I put myself here but so did some of you.

Communication. This all comes down to it. People just dont do that any more, and it sucks.

Anyway I know that we will be ok eventually, and please dont tell me that you don't desire this to be the end of Aaron because as most individuals who are involved in minstry and in life know this is the end of Aaron. This is it there is no more ministry for me. I want to make that clear. In fact I don't know what there is for me any more. I am unhirable as far as I'm concerned. I want something but have no idea what that could or may be.

I feel totally and completely alone. I HATE that.